House Targaryen
by Khaleesi Khupcakes
Summary: Modern AU. The majority of characters are living in one apartment building in Toronto. Please try to enjoy this, I'm new to the fandom. And there will be more chapters.
1. The Party

**House Targaryen**

**So I said I'd do some Game of Thrones stuff, and here it is, this is kind of like Sins of the High School Flesh (which I haven't been able to come up with ideas for) **

**Basically the plotline is all the people from Game of Thrones living in one apartment building in Toronto, Modern AU, and their personalities have all been downplayed (ie Joffrey doesn't kill anyone and Viserys isn't as insane and rapey as he was in the book and the show)**

**Viserys**

It was hot when Viserys got home from dogsitting for the Stark family upstairs at about 6 pm, the door to his apartment whined in protest as he shoved it open to find his 14 year old sister Daenerys on top of some boy on the living room couch.

Viserys emitted an almost girly scream and slammed the door shut, Daenerys and her friend leapt off the couch, the boy was tall with shoulder-length dark hair and copperish skin, Daenerys smoothed her silver hair and glared at her brother contemptuously,

"What the fuck, Viserys?"

"Who is that?!" Viserys screamed, pointing an accusatory finger at the boy who at this point looked like he was getting ready to sneak out of the apartment,

"Drogo, sir."

"And how old are you?"

"I'm graduating next year..."

"Viserys, why can't you just leave us alone? I'm gonna be 15 in two weeks, I'm old enough" Daenerys interrogated. Viserys glared at Drogo, who was staring back at him blankly with bored brown eyes,

"GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!" Viserys yelled at the intruder, Drogo sprinted for the door, paused to slap Daenerys on the ass and disappeared down the hallway.

* * *

**Sansa**

It was good to be back in Toronto, after visiting her aunt Lysa in Portland, Sansa was eager to see Dany and Margaery again and to see if she could break into her parents liquor cabinet.

Her 12 year old sister Arya was the first one in the apartment rolling on the floor with the six huskies the Starks owned, Lady, Nymeria, GreyWind, Summer, Shaggydog and Ghost. Sansa rolled her eyes, Arya was obsessed with dogs.

Ned and Catelyn Stark shoved their children into the apartment and shut the door. Rickon and Bran, the two youngest boys at 4 and 10, turned on the TV while Robb, 16 and Jon, 17, got into the fridge, Sansa sat next to Bran on the couch and her mother read a note on the counter,

"Dear Starks, the dogs were very cute, they only bit me a few times each and only drew blood about twice, I couldn't find the dog food the first few days so I think I started to look like a walking ham. It's all good now though, Viserys."

"He didn't feed them?" said Sansa's father's voice from a few rooms over,

"Remind me never to hire him again." said Catelyn quietly, "Arya, get off the floor!"

Arya walked over and sat on Sansa's lap, Sansa shoved her to the carpet.

"Mom?" Sansa asked, "Could I maybe have a couple friends over tonight? Just for a few hours."

"Of course, sweetheart." Catelyn replied, looking under the sink.

"Yeah, she's gonna have Joffrey over." Arya taunted, "Ooh, Sansa and Joffrey, Sansa looooves Joffrey! Blech." Sansa kicked her sister in the back,

"STOP!" Rickon squealed.

...

**Daenerys**

"Hello?"

"Heyy Dany."

"Sansa, you're back, hi."

"So I was wondering if you're free tonight, my parents are going out and I'm having a bunch of people over."

"Like who?"

"Margaery, Ygritte, Talisa, Joffrey and that Drogo you're so obsessed with."

"I'm not obsessed with Drogo."

"You named a cat after him."

"That was just a random cat that followed me home, his owner came at me with a baseball bat and accused me of cat theft."

"Maybe it was theft, maybe you want to pet Drogo, put him on a leash and have him catch mice for you, and now you can, come at ten and bring condoms!" Sansa hung up. Dany put the phone down and looked around the apartment. Viserys was somewhere else in the apartment, sneaking around somewhere. Dany went over to the freezer and got out an ice cube tray, emptying it into her mouth. Viserys came into the living room and she threw the tray into the sink, trying to look casual.

"Freak." Viserys whispered to himself, Dany spat the ice cubes into the sink as they started to freeze the inside of her face, Viserys turned the TV on. "What're you doing later?"

"I was just about to go to Sansa's. By the way do you have condoms?"

"Well, usually when two heterosexual girls, or two girls in general, due to the lack of appendage-"

"Don't ask questions."

"It's that stranger, isn't it! You're in love!" Viserys looked terrified, "You sicken me, I'm locking you in your room with a Bible and never letting you out."

"Drogo and I aren't doing anything. Sansa and I were going to do the condom challenge is all."

"That's an embarrassing way to die. You're not getting any fuckin' condoms."

"Are you watching Honey Boo Boo reruns?"

"THERE'S NOTHING ELSE ON!"

* * *

**Sansa**

Rickon came out of the bathroom wearing tightie-whities.

"I brushed my teeth, I don't want to go to bed, I want chips."

"We don't have any chips, go floss."

"Oh yeah, I'll just pull a string through my mouth, that's a wise life choice."

Sansa smacked her brother and chased him back into the room he shared with Bran, throwing a roll of floss at him before she locked the door, it would take Rickon a few hours to figure out how to get out of there. There was a knock on the door. Daenerys was standing in the hallway with a disappointed look on her face.

"I only got one condom, it fell out of Viserys's pocket when he was looking for the remote. If he notices it's gone he's gonna lock me in my room with a Bible."

"Well, Robb and Jon don't have any so we have to go to Shoppers. ROOOOBBBB-" Sansa screamed, "Make sure Rickon doesn't get out of his room, Daenerys and I are leaving for a few minutes."

"WHERE ARE YOU SATANIC MICE GOING?"

"That's his new thing, he calls me a satanic mouse, WE NEED TO GO PICK UP... FEBREZE."

"I'M ALLERGIC TO THAT SHIT."

"I don't care."

...

"So what kind do we get?"

"I don't know, they all look weird."

"What's Her Pleasure?"

"It's ribbed, what the fuck, I bet that feels like having one of those tank tops in your v'jay."

"Hey, fire and ice, we should get those!" **(A/N Ice and Fire hahahahahahaha, anyone?)**

"Yeah, that'd be weird, like 'Winter is coming, biiiiitch'."

Sansa grabbed a handful of Fire and Ice boxes off the rack and handed them to the cashier, he gave the two girls a condescending look.

"I hope you ladies are buying these to use as discreet footwear."

"Do you know who you're talking to?" Daenerys interrogated in a dangerous whisper.

"No, actually, I don't."

"Yeah I didn't expect you to, but my brother can annoy your ear off so I might send him after you if you try to cause a scene." the cashier rolled his eyes and rang them through, once they were out of the store, they ran down the street and into the foyer of the apartment building. Robb's friend Theon Greyjoy was standing at the front desk.

"Ew, what the hell..." Sansa whispered to herself as she and Dany headed for the elevator, Theon heard her.

"Well, excuse me, you little breast."

"Why are you talking to me, Theon, can't you see we don't want an altercation?"

"Robb told me about your little house party, and I'mma be there."

"Do you even have a girlfriend?" Dany asked, trying not to burst out laughing.

"Uh, no. Do you?"

"Do I have a girlfriend?"

"... Aren't you a little young to be buying condoms?"

"Aren't you a little old to be loitering in the lobby of the building?"

"Aren't you a little young to-"

"Can y'all not please?" Sansa interjected, "Theon, if you fuck up my living room, so help me God, I'll have Arya bite your hand off." Sansa and Dany went towards the elevator and Theon got in with them.

"So, Daniel, you have a boyfriend?"

"Call me Daniel one more time and I'll set you on fire."

"She's dating that Drogo."

"He scares the fucking corncobs out of me." Theon whispered. "Does Viserys know?"

"Yes. He walked in on us today- Why do you want to know so much about my lovelife?" The elevator beeped on Sansa's floor, "Bye Yara." Dany smirked,

"THAT'S MY SISTER!" Theon screamed as the doors closed.

Sansa opened the door to the Stark apartment, Bran, Rickon and Arya were sitting on the couch with a ripped-open bag of Cheetos on the coffee table, they all had cheese dust covering their faces and they were watching Adventure Time. Robb and Jon didn't seem to really care.

"Robb, what the fuck?"

"Potty-mouth! Swirl-swirl-swirl-flush." Rickon screamed, shaking the Cheeto bag and spraying Cheetos everywhere.

"AGGH! THAT'S ENOUGH!" Sansa yelled, grabbing Rickon and Bran by the shirt collars and dragging them into their bedroom, locking the door a second time. She came back into the living room and glared at Arya, "I'm going to shred you."

"Naw yo." Arya smirked, running away and skidding down the hall. Sansa was in kill mode. She took Arya's place on the couch.

"Sis, I believe you reacted in an inappropriate manner."

"QUIET ROBB."

"Where's the Febreze you promised me?"

Sansa stood up and screamed until Robb left the room, Jon followed.

"It's only eight, should we tell everyone to get here early?"

"My parents get back at like 3 in the morning, we have time."

Dany sat down in the nest of Cheetos, waiting about half a second before she tore open a box of condoms "God these are fucking weird."

Sansa ripped one open, it unravelled. "Eww, it's so long and sticky." She rolled it over her arm, "Wow, it does have a cooling sensation!" Sansa giggled and slapped herself in the face with her condom hand before a look of absolute horror and realization crossed her face, "Oh no..."

"What's wrong, what did you do?"

"I can't get it off."

"Well, it has to come off somehow." Dany tried to grab the rim of the condom but it was wrapped too tightly around Sansa's arm. "Holy shit, it's completely stuck."

"Ohhhh shit, shit shit shit."

"Maybe we could cut it off!"

"We might cut my skin."

"What's worse, having a dick for an arm or one little cut?"

"I can't decide!"

"I'm gonna go ask Robb and Jon."

"ARE YOU INSANE, THEY'LL TELL MY PARENTS!"

"It might cut off your circulation, then you'll lose the arm."

"I won't, okay, I won't, we'll just wait until everyone else gets here." Sansa sat back down on the couch and ran her other hand over the glossy surface of her condom arm.

"That's two hours from now!" As if on cue, there was a violent knock on the door, Sansa opened it with her working arm and Drogo was outside, Dany pulled the neckline of her shirt down about two inches.

"I need to hide somewhere."

"No, 'hi', then? Jesus Christ, I don't know what she sees in you."

"Can you just let me in, please, I'm being followed- What happened to your arm?"

"I'M PRACTICING SAFE SEX." Sansa snapped, "Who's following you, I'm having a lot of people over."

Before Drogo could answer, Theon popped up behind him.

"Suuppp." Theon announced, "Where's the partayy?"

"It HASN'T STARTED YET!" Sansa screamed, "God, you people, Dany was the only one who was allowed to come early, the two of you can leave or make yourselves useful taking this condom off my arm!"

Theon started to burst out laughing, "Sansa, your arm looks like a dick!"

Robb came out of his room, "THEON!"

"ROBB STARK YOU SHIFTY SON OF A BITCH!"

...

About half an hour later there was another knock on the door and Margaery Tyrell and Talisa Maegyr let themselves in, Margaery was leaning on Talisa and it looked like she had already had a few drinks.

"Heyy bitches." said Sansa, "Where's Ygritte?"

"I saw her." said Talisa, "She was petting some random dog in the hallway."

"When she shows up..." said Jon, "Y'all better clear a space because there's gonna be some serious sensual interplay going on up in here."

"No discretion there." Margaery slurred, "Absolutely none... disgusting..."

"Where's the alcohol?" Theon asked impatiently, "And where's the weed?"

"We didn't agree to weed-" Sansa began, but was interrupted by a gasp, the whole living room turned around to look at Arya, who was standing behind them.

"Drugs are bad, Sansa." Arya started tearing up, "I don't want you to be bad..."

"ARYA, STOP." Sansa growled through her teeth, "We both know you'e not actually crying."

"I'm gonna tell Mommy and Daddy and they're gonna be sooo mad."

"If you tell them, I will shoot you."

"Holy shit." said Talisa, "Sansa, you're insane, you can't threaten to shoot a child."

"Yeah, really, if you threaten this sweet little child again, I'm leaving." said Theon,

"I hope you realize I didn't want you here in the first place, THEON GREYJOY. So you can go."

"Then I'm taking everyone else with me."

"OKAY OKAY!" Sansa pleaded, "Fine, Arya, you can join us until 12, but at 12, you're going the fuck to sleep."

"YEAH!" Arya screamed, sitting between Dany and Drogo, "Let's get hammered!"

"No." Sansa concluded, "You're not drinking."

"We're out of pop." Arya sassed. "And I'm not going to the store to get any, I'll make you a deal, you let me stay up, I won't even drink water, I won't drink anything, but if I have to go to bed, I'm getting hammered."

"You're 12, I'm 15 and I'm not even allowed to get hammered."

"Well, you know what, if I have to go to bed-"

"Arya, end of discussion, you're ruining the night for everyone."

"This is actually fun to watch." said Dany. "It's better than Dance Moms."

There was another knock on the door,

"IT'S OPEN!" Sansa yelled, Ygritte opened the door with Joffrey standing behind her.

"This one followed me here." said Ygritte, "Where's Jon Snow?"

"You don't have to say his last name." Joffrey snapped, Sansa felt her face turn red and she stood up,

"Hiiii, Joffrey..."

"Why are these people here?"

"You didn't know they were coming?"

"Literally everyone here is on my Hate List! Jesus, Sansa, if we're going to do this thing you have to understand how I work!" Joffrey threw a piece of paper into the air. Margaery caught it,

"Wow, everyone is on here. Even me." she said, passing the Hate List around.

"That's classy, you put Arya at the top." Dany scolded,

"I like these little notes about everyone like, what you want to do to them like mine says 'I will shove Talisa down a laundry chute'."

"And mine just says 'Indian Burn'." said Drogo with a look of disbelief on his face, "I've been shot before."

"I would Indian Burn you so hard right now if I wasn't in the presence of the Lady." Joffrey whispered dangerously,

"Why would you want to 'make an Arya smoothie', I'm pretty sure you can go to jail just for writing that, it's cannibalism and murder." Jon chastised, Joffrey started to turn blue,

"WILL YOU ALL SHUT YOUR MOUTHS?!" Joffrey yelled, "Or I'll get my mother down here to put you in your place!"

Arya raised her hand, the room was quiet for a few seconds while everyone stared at her and Sansa broke the silence by whispering, "Yes, Arya?"

"Permission to throw Joffrey out the window?"

"LISTEN, YOU-" Joffrey snapped, standing over Arya, Ygritte cut in,

"You touch this little mouse, I'll break your nuts."

"God, I love it when you're dangerous." said Jon, grabbing Ygritte's left ass-cheek.

"Shall we continue this in a less public venue?"

"My shower is available."

Ygritte and Jon ran away to a different part of the apartment.

"So when does everyone start fucking?" Arya asked innocently, leaning her head on Dany's shoulder,

"Joffrey, put her in the blender." Sansa whined. Joffrey made a grab for Arya but Dany slapped his hand away.

"Sansa, this is ridiculous, where's the key to the liquor cabinet?" Margaery complained. "And also, the question that's on everyone's mind, WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED TO YOUR ARM?!"

"She put it in a condom." Theon announced.

Robb pointed at his sister, "SO YOU DIDN'T GET FEBREZE?! GOD I WAS COUNTING ON YOU GETTING FEBREZE!"

"YOU ARE ALLERGIC TO FEBREZE!"

"YEAH! MY AIRWAYS CLOSE UP AND I DIE!"

"I NEED A DRINK, ROBB, BECAUSE OF YOU!" Sansa screamed.

"I will go get the key to the liquor cabinet." Robb said, trying to be calm. He left the room for a few moments then came back with a defeated look on his face. He looked at Sansa and mouthed 'it is empty'.

"WHAT?!" Sansa shrieked, standing up, "WHAT DO YOU MEAN IT'S EMPTY?!"

"HELL NAW!" Arya yelled, "I WANNA GET PLASTERED!"

"I have a fake ID!" Drogo announced,

"I wanna go too!" Dany squealed, "Let's take one more person so it doesn't look suspicious, ooooh, how about Margaery, she's already halfway wasted."

"I don't know if I can make it to the liquor store." Margaery whined, Arya jumped up.

"I can go, I can pretend to be your child!"

"Oh yeah, you definitely look half-Targaryen, half-whatever he is."

"Armenian."

"Thank you. Arya Stark you are staying in this living room or I will... tell on you so damn hard."

"Then Mom and Dad will find out you were having a party."

"SIT." Sansa growled.

"If you don't let me go, I'll tell."

"I'm not scared of you, Arya." Arya picked up the home phone and started dialing Catelyn's cell number. "Arya Maisie Stark, if you don't hang up-"

The room went silent as the dial tone sounded a few times, Sansa started forward to tackle her sister to the ground, there was a collective inhale...

_Hi, you've reached Catelyn Stark, I'm sorry I can't take your call right now, please leave a message or call again later._

_beeeeeep_

"HI Mommy it's Arya-" Sansa clenched her fists, "Just calling to tell you that-" from across the room Sansa saw Drogo and Dany mouthing what looked like 'We'll take her, we'll take her', Arya saw as well, "I love you and you're the best mommy ever and I want to go shopping with you, for clothes, pretty clothes. Bye Mommy!" Arya hung up,

"FINE YOU CAN GO!" Sansa yelled, close to tears, "GOD I HATE CHILDREN!"

"YEAH!" Arya yelled. "I should have a secret name too, how about Nymeria?"

"I really don't care." Drogo said quietly as he and Dany left the apartment, Arya followed close behind brazenly displaying her middle fingers to the living room.

...

**Daenerys**

"Arya, can you please not do flips in the aisles? You're going to hurt yourself or break something." Dany said in her babysitter voice as Arya cartwheeled down an aisle of zinfandel,

"YOLO BITCHES!" Arya screamed as her foot almost clipped a bottle of Wild Vines. Drogo came back looking nervous,

"Okay, I got tequila and wine and some other stuff but we need to get out of here."

"Why? And why do you look so traumatized?"

"Because we're about to get questioned, LET'S GO."

"Okay, fine, Arya, we're leaving."

"Shit, don't say anything-" An LCBO employee was standing behind Drogo,

"Hello, kids."

"Hi, sir."

"I'm gonna need to see some ID." Drogo took his fake ID out of his pocket. "Yeah, this can't be your real name."

"Well, it is."

"Drogo Khatchedorian? What kind of a name is that?"

"Armenian."

"No, that can only be an acronym or an anagram. And is that your kid causing havoc in my aisles?"

"We're babysitting her."

"I don't think her parents would like you drinking on the job, now, one call to the police and we could shut your party down."

"I'll shut your vital organs down!"

"GET. OUT." The employee whispered.

...

"Can we do this every day?"

"No."

"Are we friends now?"

"No."

"Is Dany gonna get pregnant?"

"No."

"Can I have some of that clear stuff?"

"No."

"Is that the only word you know?"

"How does your sister get through a day without strangling you? Get inside." Drogo snapped, shoving Arya back into her apartment. Everyone seemed still slightly shocked after the incident with the phone. Sansa got up,

"Okay, you got drinks... everyone better use a coaster or I'll scream. And if you spill a drop, I'll murder you while you sleep." Sansa sat back down.

"Arya almost got us arrested." Dany tattled.

"DID NOT! They're lying."

"She was doing cartwheels."

"ARYA!" Sansa yelled. "Go to bed."

"It's only nine!" Arya argued, laying down on the carpet and taking hold of Theon's leg, "I'll call mom again!"

Dany put the drinks down. "Does anyone have cups?"

Sansa pointed towards a cupboard in the kitchen. Somehow Arya got ahold of one.

"Fill'er up." Arya whispered, holding a cup in Talisa's face,

"She can have half a cup of anything under 13%."

Talisa tentatively poured some wine into Arya's cup, Arya grabbed the neck of the bottle and emptied the entire thing into her cup, it overflowed and soaked into the white carpet, leaving a huge purple stain.

Joffrey started to slow-clap with a scowl on his face,

"HELL YEAH!" Arya screamed, balancing her overflowing glass in one hand and jumping on the couch, "Let's use this bottle for spinning!"

Sansa froze for a second. "Yeah, you know what, yeah, let's spin this bitch! Everyone, get your asses in a circle, Arya, you spin first."

Arya hopped into the middle of the circle and spun the bottle aggressively, the rest of the circle watched apprehensively as the bottle slowed to a stop and pointed at Theon. Arya smirked,

"I'm not kissing a child."

"I think you're gonna be kissing this child."

"Theon, just spin again, she can't be that persistent." Talisa instructed.

Theon was about to spin again when Arya attacked his face,

"GET HER OUT OF HERE." Margaery demanded, "Robb, take her the fuck to bed."

Arya came off of Theon's face, "HASHTAG-I FEEL GOOD!"

"Theon, you look sick."

"Am I a pedophile now?"

"Not unless you liked it." Robb reassured,

"Kay, I'm safe. I don't think I want to spin, I need to recover."

"You can go lay down on my bed!" Arya suggested.

"Go to bed, Arya." said Robb, "Just go, now."

"You go to bed, mothafucka." Arya sassed, Robb picked her up and carried her screaming to her room. He came back a few seconds later,

"I don't think she'll be bothering us for a while."

"You didn't kill her did you?"

"Nope, tied her up." Robb sat down and spun the bottle, it landed on Margaery, she kissed him and promptly smacked him in the face.

"I need another drink!" Talisa announced.

"Okay, Viserys just drunk-texted me." said Dany, "Sansa, I'm just gonna stay here tonight. He has his girlfriend over."

"Is it that Doreah?"

Dany nodded with an irritated expression on her face, "I hate her."

"How bad can she be, at least Viserys is being less bitchy." said Margaery, spinning the bottle, "Ooooh, Joffrey!"

"You're still on my hate list, Number Seven!" Joffrey shouted, kissing Margaery with a disgusted look on his face. He spun the bottle and it landed on Dany. She made a face, "Close your mouth, Number Five, I can't kiss your teeth."

"Deal with it." Joffrey leaned into kiss Dany, Jon and Ygritte popped out of the other room and sat down,

"Oooh this is getting spicy!" Ygritte remarked. Dany spun and got Talisa, Talisa spun and got Jon, who spun and got Drogo. Drogo spun and the bottle pointed to Ygritte, who grinned ominously.

"Any other person."

"You can't go back now, you attractive piece of Armenian ass. The bottle has spoken."

"I don't know where your mouth has been but you were just in there with Jon-"

"Well I bet your mouth has been all over this!" Ygritte shrieked, pointing at Dany,

"...Alright, fine."

Ygritte spun and landed on Sansa, and just as they were about to kiss, Catelyn and Ned Stark walked into the apartment.


	2. The Panic Alarm

**House Targaryen**

**Just so you know, Loblaws is a Canadian chain of grocery stores.**

**Sansa**

Sansa was woken up by a loud scream across her bedroom and then a few scattered voices yelling at each other it mostly consisted of what sounded like Joffrey's voice screaming 'YOU'RE MOVING UP ON MY HATE LIST!"

The condom had somehow popped off of her arm during the night, thank God. Dany was stuffing clothes into a bag and Drogo and Joffrey were yelling at each other. Sansa got out of bed,

"WILL THE TWO OF YOUR SHUT YOUR MOUTHS AND GET OUT OF MY APARTMENT?!"

"We were about to go back to my apartment." Dany cut in, "Viserys won't mind, he's hungover and apparently his girlfriend is camping out in our living room."

Sansa put her hair up and glanced at the clock on her nightstand, it was 5:11 am, nobody was up yet. Joffrey began to write on a Kleenex.

"What the fresh hell are you writing?" Dany asked, seeming annoyed

"A new hate list, Little Miss I-must-know-everything. And I'm putting you and Indian Burn at the top."

Dany glanced at the list, "You spelled my name wrong."

"DOES IT LOOK LIKE I CARE?!"

"Can we leave?" Sansa asked, Dany and Joffrey glared at each other.

Rickon was sleeping on the couch in the living room, ShaggyDog was laying next to him.

"Okay, we have to be quiet, he's a light-ass sleeper."

"I thought you locked him in his room."

"Well, he obviously got out."

They headed into the hallway and down the flight of stairs that separated the apartments. Once inside the Targaryen apartment they saw a girl in the kitchen.

"DOREAH?"

"Hiiiii, kids. I only know two of you, DROGO KHATCHADORIAN DOES YOUR MOTHER KNOW YOU'RE HERE?!"

"DAAANNYYYYY." yelled Viserys's voice from across the apartment, "HURRY UP AND BRING ME A BOWL, I'M ABOUT TO HURL ALL OVER THE PLACE-"

"THERE IS A WASHROOM FIVE FEET AWAY." Dany screamed back.

"We got somewhat slightly a little hammered last night." whispered Doreah. "Goddarn that shit was fun- FRICK-" Doreah puked into the sink, "Alcohol is bad, kids. BUT IT SURE IS FUN."

Joffrey scribbled Doreah's name and 'meat grinder' onto his new hate list.

Viserys tripped out of his room, he was sheet-white,

"Okay, just puked up my spleen in there." he walked over to Doreah and put his hand up her skirt, she giggled,

"You crackass, there's kids in the room!"

"Ugh, okay fine, YOU-" Viserys stared at Drogo. "GET OUT OF HERE."

"Relax, I know his mother." Doreah settled the dispute.

"I'M WATCHING YOU. I HAVE EYES EVERYWHERE. YOU DON'T WANT TO WAKE THE DRAGON, SON. Oh, and Dany, Catelyn emailed all of us. She got all of you a volunteer job."

...

Sansa popped into the apartment, her face was red. Arya poured more Reese's Puffs into her bowl and smirked,

"MOTHER, WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!"

Catelyn turned around from the sink, "Sansa, please don't scream, RICKON IS SLEEPING!" she whisper-screamed, Sansa glanced at sleeping Rickon on the couch,

"WHY IS HE SLEEPING ON THE COUCH?"

"He wanted to watch TV, I couldn't say no to that face."

"Anyway, WHY DID YOU SIGN ME UP FOR A JOB? Not only that, I'm not getting paid?"

"It's not that hard, I promise, a friend of mine was looking for help so I signed all of you guys up!"

"Will Dany be there?"

"Yes, I emailed Viserys."

"And Drogo? She'll be miserable if he's not there."

"Yes, I didn't know his mother's email so I asked that Irri girl who always gives Bran chocolate. They all live in one apartment, it's kind of weird."

"What exactly are we all doing?!"

"It's at the grocery store, packing delivery boxes."

"Isn't that the job where you need to come in at four in the morning?"

"It'll teach you responsibility!"

Sansa collapsed on the couch and landed on Rickon, he jerked awake.

"WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT?!" he sobbed,

"SUCK IT UP YOU LITTLE SHIST, YOU GET TO SLEEP LATE STILL!"

Rickon started to cry harder and ran over to Catelyn.

"Sansa Sophie Stark, you can't treat your brother that way, someday, he could own Westeros Pines!"

"The Baratheons own Westeros Pines."

Catelyn was silent, "Okay, Rickon, go wake Bran up." she sent Rickon off down the hall and turned to Sansa, "We still need to have a talk."

"Oh yeah, a talk, okay, I'm going to Starbucks."

"IT'S NOT OPEN. SIT." Catelyn got up and sat next to Sansa, "I found a condom in Jon's shower."

"It's all him and Ygritte."

"And there was a big wine stain on the white carpet."

"DROGO IS 18, HE'S LEGAL!"

"CERSEI LANNISTER CALLED ME AT 4 AM ASKING WHY HER SON HAD A HICKEY ON HIS LITTLE PORCELAIN ASS!"

"I was not involved in that."

"Sansa, you need to learn how to be a Stark, and that means ask for my permission before you risk getting herpes, I'm going to call my sister."

"Not Aunt Lysa."

"YES, AUNT LYSA." Catelyn picked up the phone and dropped it as it began to ring, "Lord Jesus that thing is loud. Hello? Sansa, it's your new boss."

Sansa took the phone from her mother, "Hello?"

"Hi, are you Sansa Stark?" said a female voice, "My name is Melisandre, I'm your new boss. Well, for tomorrow morning, anyway."

"Hi... Are you from the grocery store?"

"Loblaws, yes, won't that be fun?"

"I think so."

"We can't wait to have you come and help us make the world a better place. Come in at four tomorrow, ready to help out the community!" Melisandre's cheery voice hung up on the other end. Sansa dropped the phone.

"What have you gotten me into, Mother?"

"IT WILL TEACH YOU RESPONSIBILITY!"

* * *

**Daenerys**

Viserys dropped her and Sansa off outside the store at 4 am.

"Are you sure you can't get us out of this?"

"I don't know, ask your boyfriend." Viserys sassed, driving away. Sansa whined and sat down on the sidewalk when a woman with red hair and a red dress ran out the sliding automatic doors,

"HI GIRLS!"

"Who the fuck is that...?" Dany whined,

"I'm Melisandre, I'll be your boss!" Sansa stood up, "You ladies are late."

"We just woke up..."

"Well, you'll have to wake up earlier, heheh..." Melisandre tittered, "Welcome to Loblaws." She led them inside into a room full of shelves with different foods on them, Joffrey, Talisa, Drogo, Theon, Ygritte, Margaery, Robb and Jon were already there,

"ROBB AND JON?" Sansa squealed, "Why are you here, did Mom sign you up too?"

"Yeah, to make sure you didn't kill anyone."

Sansa didn't say anything.

"Welcome, kids, welcome, this is the storeroom, you know when you order food online and it magically appears at your door? Well, this is where the magic happens. But this is only where some of the magic happens as this is only non-perishables, we also have a frozen foods aisle."

"Sounds pretty chill." said Theon, he started to laugh at his own joke, he fell over and didn't get back up. When Dany looked at him harder, she saw that he was sleeping.

"Should someone wake him up?"

"Let him be." said Melisandre, "Just let him have his fun while he can." she started handing out lists, Dany got hers and it was mostly just lemon juice and frozen croissants. "Okay, kids, disperse, you need to be done this bunch by six. When you finish you first list, come back for another."

Dany started towards the frozen food aisle and passed Talisa next to a row of cereal, she had sunglasses on.

"You okay, Talisa?"

"Gotta getta cereal..." she deadpanned, shoving a rack of cereal boxes into her cardboard box, she snored and collapsed on the tile floor. Dany glanced around to make sure nobody saw and ran away. She grabbed six boxes of croissants and started towards the lemon juice, on her way there, she walked straight into a window. She bounced off and walked into a rack of chips.

Dany realized that she was putting herself and everyone around her in danger just by letting herself stay awake. She grabbed some lemon juice and left her box in the storeroom, then ran upstairs to find the offices.

She snuck into an office and laid down under the desk.

"NO nononononono, I'm sleeping here." a voice protested, Dany looked around and saw Jon.

"Just stay on your side."

'I didn't get any sleep last night."

"Be quiet. If someone hears us we're fucked."

Dany and Jon laid on different sides of the desk for about ten minutes until they hear the door unlock, a man opened the door, Dany and Jon and the man stared at each other for about thirty seconds before he ran away yelling 'INTRUDERS INTRUDERS!'

Jon ran away down the hall, Dany ran the other way.

* * *

**Sansa**

Sansa woke up on the ground with her head resting on a bag of flour. She was laying on the tile floor next to a rack of laundry detergent. From where she was sitting she could see Margaery walking through the frozen foods section and collapsing. Her coworkers were dropping like flies, it was like watching the apocalypse. Sansa got up and felt for her list on the floor, so far, she only had flour, and there were 26 items to go. She put the flour in the box and walked in the direction of the juice concentrate.

When she got there she shoved a few cans into the box and grabbed the chips that were also on the list. Sansa was pretty sure she as the last one standing. She walked towards the Twizzlers and found Ygritte nestled into a display case of frozen sausage rolls, out cold. She saw Dany and Jon running through the aisles, they skidded to a stop in front of her.

"So, funny story, we need you to hide us because this guy thinks we're intruders."

"Dany, go hide in the Doritos, Jon, you can hide with Ygritte in the display case by the yogurt." Sansa whined.

"Sounds chillful." said Jon, smirking and running away. Dany stayed,

"I don't like this."

"Why do people think y'all are intruders?"

"We were kind of sleeping under a desk."

"I hope that's all, I don't want little nieces running around."

Dany ran away in the direction of the Doritos. Sansa went off in search of gum, and that's when she saw it.

It was a red button about the size of a scented candle sticking out of the wall on the side of the checkout. Sansa wasn't exactly a stupid person, in fact, her grades were pretty good. And she knew, like most people in the world, that if you see a big red button behind a checkout you don't usually press it. But Sansa hadn't gotten nearly enough sleep and what else did she really have to lose after she got wine on the carpet? She pressed the button.

Nothing happened.

"Oh yeah!" Sansa shouted, she started to twerk. Melisandre came over and she quit.

"Hello, dear."

"Hi, boss."

"Please, hon, call me Mel or Red Sunday School Teacher. I teach Sunday School."

"I got punched in Sunday School once."

Melisandre grinned threateningly, "Not my Sunday School. Oh, I actually have a question, earlier today, two teenagers were seen sleeping under a desk, my coworker Davos saw them, do you know anything about that?"

"...No. Why would I?"

"Oh... no reason. You're a good girl, you wouldn't sleep. But that Targaryen, I think I'll ask her, she seems a little shifty."

Melisandre walked away, Sansa decided that she wouldn't get Dany out of this one and went to go get cranberry juice.

...

It was 10 am when they finished. Everyone was awake by then and Sansa was happier than ever to be out of that store. The kids all went back to the storeroom and Melisandre was waiting there. She looked angry.

"OKAY, WHO DID IT?" she interrogated, "Who pressed the panic alarm? I know the perp is in this room."

Sansa felt like a stick was going up her butt. She wanted to die. How was she supposed to know that damn button was a panic alarm? It didn't do anything! Sansa's hands started to sweat and vibrate.

"I didn't know there was a panic alarm here." Talisa whispered,

"YOU PRESSED IT?"

"No, but I didn't know-"

"I'm keeping you all here until I get the truth, I just had to cancel the SWAT team and we've been fined $15 000!"

Sansa started to shiver, she didn't even have time to be embarrassed or sad because she was just focusing on how much she wanted to universe to just delete itself. Her coworkers were glancing suspiciously at each other, her own actions with that freaking button were pitting them against each other. Sansa started to whine to herself and rock back and forth on her heels. Robb sneezed violently and fell over, sneezed again and pretended to have a seizure, giggling the whole time, nobody else laughed. Melisandre sucked in her cheeks.

"Robb, I will step on your face." Joffrey whispered, "And put you on the top of my Hate List if you don't get up."

"TALK ABOUT DISRESPECT!" Melisandre shrieked, "Everyone have a seat, we're gonna be here for a while. Once the perp gets up."

"HATE LIST!" Joffrey squealed, his voice reaching an octave that would have been hard for a mouse to hit, "ALL O' Y'ALL ON THAT THING."

"You need to find a better outlet for your emotions." Margaery whined, "Jesus, someday you're just gonna kill someone."

"IT'LL BE TODAY." He squeaked again, "I'M THINKING INDIAN BURN."

"My name is two syllables long, it's not that hard-" Drogo whispered, Melisandre cut him off when she glanced over.

"IT'LL BE ANOTHER SYLLABLE IF YOU DON'T ADMIT TO BEING THE PERP."

"I was the perp a second ago." said Robb, "It's not like we all went to go press the button as a team."

"A likely story."

"It's one button, it only takes one person to press, like, just one finger." Theon argued,

"Can it, Greyjoy." Melisandre snapped, "Or I will shove these non-perishables right up your lying ass, you little perp."

"How do you know his last name?" Jon asked, Melisandre leapt in front of him,

"DO YOU WANT TO BURN IN HELL, SON? THAT'S WHAT HAPPENS WHEN PEOPLE LIE AND PRESS THE ALARM! PERP!" Sansa wanted to lay down and die. Drogo leaned over,

"I'm about to just say I did it so we can leave."

"THERE YOU GO, YOU'RE GETTING AN EXTRA SYLLABLE! You know what? I'm just gonna go check the cameras!" Melisandre walked away, Sansa hit the floor.

"Don't make a scene..." Ygritte whispered, she was getting pissed and her skin was red from the frozen hot dogs. Margaery was halfway through her run of Hail Marys, Drogo and Dany were holding hands with their eyes closed. Joffrey was holding his Hate List over his face and crying. Theon was twerking and whimpering at the same time. Robb was asleep. Sansa started to rock back and forth, Melisandre came back into the room.

"Okay. I found the perp. Sansa. You've been caught." The whole room relaxed. Sansa almost peed her pants. "Unfortunately for me, I can't fire you from a one-day volunteer job. But all of you need to get out of my store before I completely lose it. Don't get yourselves killed, the parking lot is dark and full of terrors."


	3. Sis

**House Targaryen**

**Oh, and I kind of made Renly Joffrey's cousin instead, just so it would work slightly better... I'M SORRY JESUS CHRIST NOBODY HURT ME PLEASE**

**Daenerys**

Dany was woken up rudely by the doorbell ringing. Viserys had passed out outside the Lannister apartment the night before so it was probably him.

She answered the door and found Doreah outside. She slammed the door shut again.

"No, please, let me in."

"I don't even know you."

"I've seen all your baby pictures! Your brother told me you needed older female influences!"

"He was probably drunk when he said that."

"Daenerys, I will break the door down." Doreah whispered through the door, "Please let me in."

Dany reluctantly opened the door.

"What do you want? And where the fuck is Viserys?"

"He came by my apartment, he was pretty sloshed and the Khatchadourian family kind of just went off on him."

Dany facepalmed, "He's still alive, right? Drogo's brothers didn't rip him apart."

"Yeah, he's fine, but he told me to come over. I think you're gonna be like the sister I never had!" Doreah paused, "we should get our nails done."

"I went last week."

"We should go shopping."

"I don't have any money."

"I have credit cards and cash."

"What exactly did my brother say to you?"

"He said for me to bond with you."

"I bond with other people."

"Your boyfriend."

"You're pissing me off." Dany whispered, unable to think of a comeback. "Go away."

"I got this from your brother at 4 am, it's all the proof I need." Doreah showed Dany a video on her phone, it showed Viserys on a couch between two Armenian girls.

"Dany." said the video, "I'm at the Khatchadourian house, your boyfriend's sisters are whores and I hate them, go somewhere with Doreah, try not to kill her." the video ended with Drogo's sister Irri jabbing Viserys in the gut with a computer mouse. Doreah gave Dany an I'm-right look.

"Fine." Dany conceded, "I hope you know I'm not happy about this. Ha."

"Awesome!" Doreah shrieked, "let's take the subway, the subway is so chill but I don't know how to use it."

...

"Awww snap this is so chill." Doreah whispered on the subway platform, Dany was about ready to push her onto the tracks when the train pulled in. "Holy fridge, it's air-conditioned, hashtag-chill!"

"Have you actually never taken the subway before?"

"Nope. Well, once, but I don't remember it because I got really drunk at some Armenian wedding and passed the frick out."

"I'm not happy about this."

"Do I look like I care? I want a sister real bad and if Viserys and I get married-"

"Nooo, thats not happening."

"It would be pretty chill." Doreah said dreamily as they found a row of seats in the subway car. "He's pretty hot and your apartment is really dope." Silence. "So you're dating Drogo Khatchadourian? I used to babysit him because my parents owed his parents money and so they were at our house all the time. It was chill because my brother and his sister got married."

"So you can't marry Viserys because if you did Drogo and I would be almost kind of related."

"Eugh, not chill."

"STOP SAYING CHILL."

"Cool your jets, sis."

"Oh my God just stop please. It's painful listening to you."

Doreah leaned into Dany's ear, "Chill" she whispered. "Dope, hahaha. Am I in with the kids now?"

"Stop, you sound like Catelyn Stark."

"Chill, girlfriend."

"I've been planning your funeral for the past ten minutes."

"When Drogo was seven he made out with my sister."

"I didn't ask."

"He's loved before."

"Please break up with my brother."

Doreah cackled and started putting her hair up. "So where is it we're going?"

"I thought you knew." Doreah shook her head. "So you dragged me out against my will thinking that I was going to coordinate the excursion?"

"I AM A VERY TRUSTING PERSON!"

A woman with a cat on a leash shushed them,

"Mind your own bees!" Doreah shrieked, standing up. Dany facepalmed again. "She was all up in our bees."

Dany looked away in silence until they found themselves at Yonge and Dundas at the Eaton Centre.

"If you make a scene here, I will freak out." Dany warned.

"Har fucking Har, I'm your ride home."

"We took the subway here."

"... We need to be bonding." Doreah took Dany's hand and dragged her into the mall. "Hey I just realized, Doreah the Exploreah. Because I'm exploring the uncharted waters of bonding with my new little sister!"

"Stop hugging me, people are starting to stare." Dany was about to complain some more when she saw Joffrey going into Shoppers, he was dressed like a hobo. "Oh my god..."

"What?"

"Look at Joffrey, did Cersei and Robert finally kick him out?"

"He's dressed like a vagrant, you look better than him and his parents own Westeros Pines. Sorry, I shouldn't talk about your financial situation, I know it must be hard for you that Viserys is so unemployable."

"That's okay, I'm used to it." they followed Joffrey into Shoppers just in time to see him stuff the entire rack of toothbrushes into his sweater. Dany glanced over at Doreah who was holding her phone.

"Whats the number for 911?"

"Put your phone down, we're witnessing a crime."

Joffrey sprinted out of the store, leaving a trail of toothbrushes, one hit Doreah in the face.

"STOP THAT CHILD!" Doreah screamed, whipping a tube of toothpaste in Joffrey's direction, the people in the store ignored her and the manager muttered something about "all the crazy people come in off the street, they never pay..." Dany and Doreah chased Joffrey out of the store, but he was nowhere to be seen, then a toothbrush landed at Dany's feet, followed by a muffled cackle, another one flew over Doreah's shoulder and hit a small child in the leg.

"Turn around slowly." Dany whispered, Doreah ignored her and whipped around, pouncing into the space between the floor and the escalator, she tackled Joffrey into the light,

"Found the perp!"

"IM MAKING A NEW HATE LIST AND GUESS WHICH TWO BITCHES ARE TIED FOR THE TOP SPOT!"

"I bet it's Margaery and Arya. Shifty skanks." Doreah whispered.

"Talisa and I were wondering what you did in your spare time. You throw toothbrushes at children? God, is that all your pent-up rage?"

"I also shoplift."

"I NOTICED. Is that why nobody could find their toothbrushes that time in seventh grade on the overnight trip?"

"I had fun with that."

"Hahahaha, I'm telling your parents." Doreah giggled.

"It's gonna be hard to tattletale to my parents with two broken ribs! Where's that Dog at?"

A pissed-looking man with a burn on the side of his face appeared next to Joffrey,

"I'm not hitting them."

"Come on, it looks sooo dope!"

"Ha! I knew it!" Doreah squealed, "Y'all, I gotta call the fuzz."

"Please don't call the fuzz, my parents are gonna be so PO'd."

"You little yellow-haired shit! Im about to go all Armenian on your ass."

"Please don't." said Joffrey's Dog, "I'll get fired if you hit him, I need this job and the Baratheons are paying out the ass. I know it may be tempting, sometimes I sneak into his room with a butter knife and some strawberry jam to lull myself into a false sense of satisfaction."

"Dog, find me some paper, if these two bitches don't scat I'm gonna make a new Hate List and put them on top."

"Why do you threaten us with your lists? Literally nobody cares what you think of them."

"Guess I better call Arya and tell her she's been demoted to second most hated. Right above your precious Indian Burn."

"You mean Drogo?"

"I can't pronounce his name."

"It's five letters long-"

"DON'T BE SUCH A STARK RIGHT NOW, MY MOTHER WILL HEAR ABOUT THIS!"

"I'm not scared of her, you still don't have the power to evict us."

"My dad does."

"Your dad wouldn't evict us because if he did Illyrio would have him murdered."

"Joffrey, we have to leave, your mother called eight times while I was helping you shoplift." Joffrey's Dog deadpanned.

"Shit. I can't risk losing my frozen pizza rolls over this. I will track you down, Targaryen."

Joffrey grabbed the remainder of his toothbrushes and ran away, his Dog followed him.

"That was dope!" Doreah yelled, "We showed the little asparagus!"

"So the whole point of this trip was to catch Joffrey?"

"No I also wanted to bond with you!"

"You used me!"

"Sorry, sis-"

"I am not your sister."

"You will be soon!"

"You're not marrying Viserys."

Doreah was silent and looked away, "You're trippin', sis." They walked in silence for a few minutes, "So are you gonna marry Drogo and make precious little Khatchagaryen babies?"

"Don't ever say that again, you sick fuck."

"I can teach you how to make him happy."

"I just puked in my mouth a little."

"Love comes in at the eyes-"

"STOP!"

* * *

**Arya**

Arya was bored. Her parents were both at work, Bran and Rickon were at work with their dad. Robb and Jon were out. Sansa was about to leave.

"Can I come to the mall with you?"

"No. I can't have anyone from school seeing me with you."

"I can be chill."

"That's what I'm afraid of. The last time you tried to be chill, Ygritte almost died."

"So I almost hit her with mom's car, big whoop."

"YOU DROVE STRAIGHT AT HER YELLING 'MOVE BITCH, GET OUT THE WAY', Jesus Christ, I'm leaving, goodbye." Sansa grabbed the purse and left the apartment. Arya leaned against the door and pretended to talk on the phone,

"Hello? Police? My sister just abandoned me, I'm just a little girl-"

"Alright fine." Sansa came back into the apartment, "You are Satan."

...

"Arya Maisie Stark if you make a scene here, I swear I will send you home on the subway. I'm not kidding."

"I won't kill Ygritte if that's what you're referring to." Arya sassed,

"And you have to come into every single store with me, no whining."

"Bleh." Arya whined, "Hey, look, it's Dany and Doreah, I'm gonna go bother them." Arya ran started across the mall to where Dany and Doreah were standing. Sansa ran after her. "Hi!" Arya said, trying to be cute, "Hi hi hi hi hi!"

Dany smiled nervously and Doreah lost it,

"Who is this cutie?!"

"Hey! I'm 12."

"You're a mouse!" Doreah gushed, "I'm gonna put you on a glue trap with a piece of cheese!"

"I'm lactose-intolerant."

"I'm sorry." apologized Sansa, "My sister is a little asshole. Dany, you look really purple. Seriously, you're a grape right now."

"I don't want to be here." Dany complained, "This woman is ruining my life."

"She ain't being a chill sister." Doreah sassed, "Wanna come with us? Dany's complaining, but maybe I can put up with the two of you!"

Sansa shrugged and started walking with them, Arya was pissed. "So, Doreah, are you still hungover?"

"An inappropriate question, sister's friend. The answer is yes I am very hungover. I almost puked thirty times and twenty-eight of those times I was aiming at this one." she pointed at Dany. "She kept dodging but I kept swallowing it so I guess it's all chill with everyone."

"I don't like you." said Dany.

"I guess that's chill, then, you're making very hard for me to like you!" Doreah screeched back.

"I'm a chill kid." said Arya,

"The mouse speaks?" said Doreah, "You're a chill mouse."

Dany whined and facepalmed. "My own brother, why would he do something like this to me."

"You're a chill non-mouse." Arya smirked. "Ever almost killed someone?"

"One time I got tangled up with Irri Khatchadourian and almost strangled her with my leg. I'm very flexible and she had to go to the ER, it was karma, bitch was eating all my crescent rolls."

"I never liked her, shady mouse."

"Fuck, they're bonding." Sansa whispered, "We could probably just run away."

* * *

**Daenerys**

Viserys was pissed when they got back to the building, he was laying on the front desk with his shirt off, Benjen the doorman was sitting behind the desk about ready to strangle him.

"Took you ladies long enough, and you picked up two little drifters."

"Sansa and D'naynay ran away, those micey, micey bitches."

"Why are you laying on the front desk?" Arya questioned loudly.

"I've been asking that question all afternoon." Benjen whispered dangerously.

"Because, you little...aagggghhh... My apartment doesn't have air conditioning and the lobby does and I like to see who's coming into my FATHER'S APARTMENT BUILDING."

"You're turning me on a lot right now, Viserys, let's leave." Doreah decided, raising an eyebrow at Dany and Sansa. Viserys put his shirt on and they left. A few seconds after they left in the elevator, Arya ran after them.

"ARYA STARK, WHERE ARE YOU GOING?"

"TO GET THE VIDEO CAMERA!" Arya disappeared down the hall.

"No..." Dany whined, "I don't want a new little niece or nephew."

Sansa's phone buzzed and she glanced at it. "Fuck NO!" she yelled,

"What?"

"If Loras fucks me over to go screw around with Renly one more time I'm gonna lock him in a room with six hungry huskies." Sansa growled,

"How did he fuck you over?"

"All I wanted to do was to run my fingers through his luscious hair but I guess his secret relationship with Joffrey's cousin is more important than my happiness."

"Loras is gay, and you have a boyfriend."

"Loras is beautiful and Joffrey barely has any hair!" Sansa whined, "Ugh, fine, can I borrow Drogo for like, two hours?"

"No, I control his life."

"Okay. I guess I'll have to use Arya."

"That's disgusting." said Dany.

"Here." said Sansa, "Look at this text." Sansa showed Dany a text from Loras Tyrell, all it said was 'Heyyy bitch I cant come over today, im at renly's and this summer heat is driving me cray'. "DO YOU SEE WHAT I HAVE TO WORK WITH? DO YOU SEE THIS?!"

"I kind of want to go crash their party."

"No. There are a couple of things in this world that I'm not interested in seeing."

...

Dany and Sansa were standing outside the Tyrell apartment for about half an hour before Loras got home. His hair was screwed up and he was walking like his ass hurt.

"Hello, ditcher." said Sansa.

"Leave me alone." said Loras angrily, "You don't know what I've just been through."

"How bad could it have been?"

"Uh, lots of things, like, oh I don't know, THEON WALKING IN ON US?!"

"Oh... Oh Jesus."

"He was after Renly's weed."

"Renly has weed?"

"Don't ask me how he got it. Anyway, Theon ran away with the weed and we haven't seen him since, I need to get inside before I pass out."

"Wait wait wait, what about-" Sansa inquired as Loras went into his apartment and slammed the door.


	4. Oh Deer!

**House Targaryen **

**Arya**

Arya was running through the halls with Nymeria when she heard a weird noise. It was a squealing noise, Nymeria heard it too and started to bark. She barked all the way to the the Baratheon apartment, where the noise was coming from.

The door was open a crack, and it didn't look like anyone was home. So naturally Arya had to go inside. She opened the door and almost got run over by a deer.

Nymeria took off after the deer, but Arya told her to stay. She was in some deep shit now, the worst part was, Myrcella had been in the apartment.

**Daenerys**

Dany felt Drogo's lips come off of hers.

"I'm sorry, my teeth stick out, I'm trying to fix that." she argued,

"The fuck is he doing?"

Dany turned around and saw Viserys standing in the kitchen, holding a knife and grinning, he was wearing no apparent clothes.

"I think he's either trying to scare you away or he's just reached a new level of insane."

The door slammed open and Arya and Nymeria ran into the room, Viserys screamed and hid under the sink.

"Funny story." said Arya, "We kind of set a deer lose in the building."

"A deer?"

"Where the hell did you get a deer?"

"Yeah, that's the funny part, it's not our deer."

"What do you mean 'our'? Are you implying that your dog is a partial owner of the deer?"

"Are you implying that you weren't just getting Dany pregnant there?"

"WHOSE DEER IS IT?" Dany screamed,

"I think it belongs to the Baratheons, it was in their apartment."

"Why were you in an apartment that doesn't belong to you?"

"The door was open and Nymeria smelled venison. Problem is-"

"You set a wild animal loose in an apartment building?"

"No, the problem is, Myrcella saw and she's gonna tell on us, I need the two of you to create an insane web of lies so I don't get in trouble."

"At least you're being blunt about it. We can't help you, we're kind of preoccupied with my crackass brother."

"And I just don't want to help you because you almost got me arrested."

"THAT'S IN THE PAST."

"It was a few days ago, and you shouldn't be breaking and entering."

"I didn't break anything, I just opened the door and let the deer out."

"I don't want to lie to help you not get in trouble." said Dany, "The Baratheons hate me enough as it is."

"And honestly, you owe me."

"I don't owe you anything, Khatchadourian."

"Then I'll just tell your mom you blackmailed Sansa and Dany and I into going to the liquor store."

"Can you just help me find the deer?"

"WE'RE NOT HELPING YOU!"

...

**Sansa**

Bran was laying on the couch and moaning. He wouldn't shut up.

"What's wrong with you?" Sansa screamed,

"I'm on my way out." said Bran, "I can see Heaven from here."

"Why are you dying?"

"I ate a green chip. I can feel the poison going through my veins. AAAAAAAH, THERE IS NO GOD..."

"Calm down, it's just a chip."

Bran squealed again and rolled off the couch, he stayed there with Summer licking his hair. Arya and Nymeria burst inside, Drogo and Dany were behind them with disdainful looks on their faces.

"Nobody panic!" Arya yelled.

"You're panicking." said Sansa, "Your face is red as fuck."

"PUT A QUARTER IN THE SWEAR JAR!" said Bran, his voice muffled by the carpet.

"What did you do, Arya?"

"I broke a... couch." she lied.

"She stole a deer and let it loose in the building." said Dany, "And Myrcella saw her."

"It was Myrcella's deer."

"Why in the hell does Myrcella have a deer in her apartment?"

"DOES IT LOOK LIKE I KNOW?!" Arya screamed, collapsing on the floor, "I need subway tickets, Sansa, I need to go away, FAR AWAY."

"I don't think any of us would really argue with that, but you have to face your problems like a responsible adult!" said Sansa, "It's just a little deer, how much trouble could it cause?"

...

"Okay, yeah it could cause a lot of trouble." said Sansa as they stared at the ruins of the lobby. The deer had flipped the front desk over, ripped up the green carpet and shredded the wallpaper. Benjen the doorman emerged from the rubble,

"That animal is the spawn of Satan."

"Where'd it go?"

"It followed Jhiqui Khatchadourian back to her apartment, can't bet on it still being alive, Jhiqui was STEAMED at that thing for ripping a chunk out of her skirt and you know how she is, Drogo, you'd know-"

"Where'd Jhiqui go?"

"Back to her apartment.

...

"GET AWAY FROM ME YOU DISGUSTING ANIMAL!" yelled a voice from inside the apartment that Drogo's sister shared with Doreah's brother, Dany opened the door to find Jhiqui standing on a chair, poking at ShaggyDog with a stick.

"Where's the deer?" Arya yelled,

"AHHH! WHAT THE FRIG ARE YOU DOING IN HERE?"

"That's my brother's dog." said Sansa, "Sorry about him, did you happen to see a deer?"

"Yes, actually, I did." said Jhiqui, getting down off the chair, "This thing scared it and it ran away, I think it went into the elevator after Loras Tyrell, JUST TAKE THIS DOG OUT OF MY APARTMENT." ShaggyDog ran to Arya.

"Do you have like a net or something?" asked Dany, "To catch a deer in?"

"I have a shotgun-"

"Okay, no, we're not planning on killing it. Remember, we have to bring it back to Myrcella alive."

"You could find Doreah, she's good at pouncing on things, you know, tackling stuff."

There was a sobbing noise outside in the hall, Dany peeked around the doorframe and saw Theon curled up in a corner holding a half-eaten jelly donut and crying.

"What's wrong, Theon...?"

"I was halfway through my thirty-second joint when a deer came around that corner and ripped my jelly donut in half..." Theon buried his face in his hands, "This donut had hopes and dreams... and a pregnant wife at home."

"Weren't you going to eat the donut?"

"Yeah, but I was gonna eat the wife as well..." Theon sobbed harder, "He'll never get to see his little baby donut hole graduate!"

"STOP CRYING!" Sansa yelled, "God, you burners and your fucked-up ideas about food, where did the deer go?"

"HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO KNOW, I CAN'T SEE DEERS THROUGH THESE TEARS..."

Drogo stood over Theon, "If you don't tell us where the deer went, I'll give you something to cry about."

"This is one battle you ain't winning, Khatchadourian." Theon lit another joint and laid down, "I need to sleep off this pain." Theon sneezed and a piece of chocolate donut came out of his nose. Arya picked up a few shreds of pot that had settled around Theon and sniffed it,

"Smells like oregano."

"It's not, oregano doesn't get you high." Theon sobbed, "Drogo, if I squint, you look like a beautiful girl."

"It's oregano." said Dany, licking a few shards,"Smells like oregano and tastes like oregano."

"WHERE IS THE DEER?"

"Okay, fine." said Theon, standing up, six donut holes fell out of his pocket, "It's oregano, I followed you here and pretended to be high because I thought Dany might hate me less if I was adorably pathetic, and I wrote up cue-cards about donuts and grief, are you happy now? But I actually did get my donuts stolen by a deer. A pissy, mean deer that smelled like Love's Baby Soft and anger."

"Which way did it go?"

"I think down the stairs, I was too busy being sad to know for sure."

Arya looked down the stairwell, "THE DEER! IT'S STUCK IN THE STAIRWELL!" ShaggyDog ran down the stairs and the deer panicked, it kicked a hole in the door and ran onto the 7th floor, ShaggyDog followed but Arya called him back, "Theon, you need to babysit this crazy animal for a while."

"Naw yo." smirked Theon, "No dogs allowed in the mile-high club, except service animals-"

"You're not cute!" Dany whisper-screamed.

"Cucumbers!" Theon giggled, making a cute face, "How 'bout now? Huh, you mean little girl. 5 foot-five of pure hatred." he took a bite of a Boston Cream and chewed with his mouth wide open. "Ha ha ha, beee-yutch."

...

**Bran**

Catelyn dragged Bran down the stairs into the lobby to find a disaster. Irri Khatchadourian was down there too,

"Irri, have you seen my daughters?" Catelyn asked, "Bran said something about them encountering a deer in the Baratheon apartment, but you can never trust this kid."

"I don't know about a deer." said Irri, handing Bran an Aero bar, "I just came down here to find Benjen, I think someone's stealing carrots out of our fridge."

"Probably someone who lives with you."

"No, I don't live with any deer." Irri smirked, passing Bran a Kit Kat, which he inhaled. "BENJEN, I CAN GET YOU FIRED IF YOU DON'T COME WITHIN TWO MINUTES."

Benjen came out of his office, "What do you want Irri?"

"I've come to report a theft."

"Another one? Your brothers are nothing but trouble. That Rakharo especially, I'd shoot the bastard if I could."

"They actually didn't do anything this time, but the Khatchadourian family is missing a bunch of carrots."

"Oh, that's a hard one, oh wait, YOU ATE THEM." Benjen yelled, "Come on back to me with a real crime, Jesus, Irri, if I wasn't head-over-heels for your mother I'd have you incarcerated."

"Uncle Benjen, you're in love with Adelina? But you can't be! Your job is protecting Westeros Pines and you're married to your job!" Bran yelled.

"Adelina Khatchadourian is an exotic Armenian flower."

"That is disgusting. My mom is married... to my dad, and they have five kids, she's had _five fricking_ kids, that flower ain't so exotic anymore." said Irri. "SOLVE MY CARROT PROBLEM OR I'LL TELL MOM WHAT YOU SAID." she tossed Bran a Coffee Crisp and left. The phone on the upturned front desk rang,

"Hello? Oh, she's right here, Catelyn, it's Cersei Lannister for you." said Benjen.

**Sansa**

Cersei paced up and down the living room of the Baratheon apartment, she had found the deer, it was tied to the fireplace and trying to escape. Myrcella was glaring at Arya from a corner.

"Well, who darn did it?" Myrcella finally screamed, "Who dun did let out my darn damn deer?"

"Myrcella, darling." said Cersei, "If you don't shush your little lips about this darn deer you don't get any dessert. I know who the culprit was! YOU!" she yelled, pointing four fingers at Dany, Drogo, Sansa and Arya, "It was a collaborative effort!" Catelyn opened the door,

"SANSA AND ARYA!" she yelled, "What the fudge were you thinking?"

"IT WASN'T ME!" Sansa squealed, leaping onto the carpet, "Cersei, it wasn't me."

"It was me." said Arya, "Nymeria wanted to eat the deer so in retrospect you owe me a thank you and maybe a fruit basket because I may have saved your deer here from certain annihilation!"

"The dog wanted to eat Cheesy?" Cersei yelled, throwing herself onto the deer, "CATELYN, YOU NEED TO PUT THAT DOG DOWN!"

"Nymeria was just hungry!" Arya argued,

"Don't worry, Arya, we're not putting anyone down." said Catelyn, "I'm sorry, Cersei and Myrcella, it won't happen again and Arya will be severely punished."

"Good, anyone puts my Cheesy in danger, they meet a sticky end." said Myrcella through a mouthful of Twizzlers and cake. Catelyn stared at Dany and Drogo,

"As for the two of you... I can't punish you but Dany, Viserys hasn't been looking for you because he and Doreah are sinning in your apartment and Drogo... my brother-in-law has the hots for your mother."

Joffrey burst into the apartment,

"There's my little baby boy!" Cersei shrieked, "Cheesy didn't die!"

"That's great for the fuckin' deer, listen, I need to hide 700 carrots where Irri Khatchadourian can't find them."


	5. Babysitter's Club

**House Targaryen **

**Arya**

"Does this red dress look better on me? Or the blue?" asked Sansa, holding up two dresses. Arya didn't want to go to this stupid wedding, she had no interest in stupid weddings. Jory Cassel, she'd always pegged him for not being into marriage, but there he was, marrying some girl from across town named Lafonda McRae.

"A bag would look better over your face." said Arya,

"I'll go with red." said Sansa contemptuously. "You need to put a dress on."

"Uh, how about no."

"Uh, you can't wear jeans."

"Uh, what about a pantsuit?"

"Uh, you don't own one, just put on this blue dress."

"I can't, you're way fatter than me."

Sansa smacked her sister in the head, Arya grabbed a purple dress out of her closet, her mom had bought it for her a year ago for Sansa's confirmation and it still fit.

"Now you look better, just brush your damn hair and put some lip gloss on."

"HOW ABOUT YOU GET DAD TO BUY YOU A NEW FACE, HE BUYS YOU EVERYTHING ELSE!" Arya screamed, launching herself across the room and latching onto Sansa's head. "BITCH!" Sansa shook her off and Arya landed on the floor.

"I'm not going to get mad." said Sansa, "I always do this before my time of month."

"EW! GROSS!" Arya yelled, plugging her ears as Sansa attacked her head with a hairbrush,

"STOP SQUIRMING!"

"STOP BRUSHING!"

Catelyn opened the door,

"Girls, play nicely, we don't want to get Rickon worked up before Dany gets here."

"Why isn't Rickon coming? Bran is."

"Rickon's too little for weddings."

"I heard my name." said Bran, he had a suit on and a combover.

"AHHHHH, MY BABY LOOKS SO HANDSOME!" Catelyn squealed, pinching Bran's cheeks until they turned red, Rickon came over in his footie pyjamas, he was riding ShaggyDog and he had hot chocolate and Cheeto dust dribbled down the front of his onesie.

"When's 'A-nerys comin'?"

"Rickon's got a girlfriend." Bran teased, "K-I-S-S-I-N-G."

"She'll be here soon, muffin." said Catelyn. Rickon rode ShaggyDog into the living room and jumped onto the carpet to watch The Backyardigans. As if on cue, Dany opened the door,

"Hiii!"

"'A-NERYS!" Rickon squealed,

"CAB'S HERE!" Ned yelled from the kitchen,

"Ohhh, crap, We'll have to get Arya fixed up in the car."

Arya passed Dany on the way out, "If I call, come pick me up."

**Daenerys.**

"So, Rickon, what do you want to do?"

"Do you gotta boyfriend?"

"Yeah, why?"

"Your eyes are pretty."

"Thank you, that's very sweet."

"Your hair is pretty..."

"Okay-"

"Can you stay here forever?"

...

**Catelyn**

Catelyn.

The reception started at around eight. For whatever reason, Cersei and Robert were there with Joffrey, Myrcella and Tommen. Tommen and Bran ran away to go play in the hotel bathrooms so Catelyn and Cersei were lumped together.

"It was sweet of Joffrey to give Irri her carrots back." Said Catelyn

"I told him to. Can't have the Khatchadourians hating us now can we."

"I think what you need is coffee."

"No, I don't drink coffee, it makes you hyper and tastes like rat poop."

Robert came over,

"So, you little hens…"

"Don't call me that." Said Catelyn.

"Anyway, Ned and I are gonna go across the street and get hammered, so that's where we'll be if you hens are looking for us."

"BAWK BAWK BAWK!" Cersei squawked like a chicken,

"You're so sexual when you make obnoxious screeching sounds." Said Robert, "See ya, hens."

Once Robert was gone, Cersei made a face, "I hate him."

"What you need is coffee and a girls night out, I'm telling you, I could put aside our problems if you would just loosen up."

"No, I hate that man. I fantasize about throwing him out our penthouse window. If he didn't own Westeros Pines I'd surely get rid of him."

"You're crazier than I thought."

"I'm a crazy screaming hen. How much arsenic would it take to-."

"Hello mother." Said Myrcella.

"Heyyy Miss Mousey! What do you want, I was in the middle of a conversation if you couldn't tell..."

"It would make me ever so happy if you could RESTRAIN ARYA FOR TWO SECONDS."

"Oh, shit." Said Catelyn,

"Yeah oh shit, she's making a horrible mess and Sansa already passed out!"

"What's she doing?" said Catelyn with her head in her hands,

"Well, it all started when Joffrey said that girls don't fart, so she sat on his lap and farted, so he threatened to sic Cheesy on her, so she ran away and stole some tequila, she's dancing in the chocolate fountain right now." Myrcella whimpered, "It took all I had not to cry."

Catelyn started across the reception to her daughter, Arya was in the chocolate fountain, trying desperately to twerk and failing, Sansa was out cold on the ground and Joffrey was passed out a few feet away, Jory ran over,

"I'm so sorry, Catelyn, I thought if I let her have a few shots of tequila she'd stop scowling, I didn't think this would happen, oh God, I'm sorry."

"It's fine, hon, ARYA MAISIE STARK, YOU GET OUT OF THERE THIS MOMENT, OR I WILL EXTEND YOUR PUNISHMENT FOR THE DEER FIASCO!"

"I'M NOT SCARED OF YOU, MOM, IF THAT IS YOUR REAL NAME! I- WHOA-" Arya slipped and hit the floor with a wet, chocolaty squish, Bran and Tommen ran over and started licking her,

"Wow, Bran, your sister's good!"

"That's what she said!" said Bran sassily, winking into the middle distance at no-one.

...

**Daenerys.**

Dany carried sleeping Rickon to his room at around nine, he was actually pretty cute when he wasn't covered in a colourful assortment of snack foods. He and ShaggyDog were snoring when there was a knock on the door, Dany answered and saw Theon outside. She slammed the door in his face.

"OKAY, CAN YOU TAKE A BREAK FROM BEING AN EVIL BITCH FOR LIKE HALF AN HOUR?"

"YOU ARE NOT COMING IN, I'M BABYSITTING!"

"Yeah I know, Robb told me."

"Then Robb's an asshole, go away, I'm pretty sure Drogo would let you into his apartment with open arms, HE DOESN'T HAVE ANY RESPONSIBILITY, I'LL CALL HIM NOW!"

"I already tried his apartment, he kind of answered the door and slammed it halfway through his sentence... apparently Irri found out it was Joffrey who had the carrots, and, well, let's just say shit hit the fan for real."

"Just go home, Theon."

"I can't, Yara completely lost her shit when she found out I was smoking weed."

"That was oregano."

"Psh, who gives a seed..." Theon busted the door open. "Now, if you don't mind-"

"Oh, I mind."

"-I'm just gonna sit here and watch TV, hey, be a good little babysitter and go fix Daddy a pulled pork sandwich."

Dany seethed, then leapt onto the couch and started kicking Theon in the ribs,

"MAKE IT YOURSELF!"

"YOU ARE A VERY ANGRY LITTLE GIRL, YOU KNOW, YOU SHOULD BE DATING JOFFREY INSTEAD OF DROGO, YOU SHOULD BE DATING SOMEONE WHO'S FULL OF ANGER JUST LIKE YOU, see, Drogo's just kind of muscular, he wouldn't _kill_ anyone, well, maybe Viserys but let's face it, everyone wants to kill Viserys..."

Dany stopped kicking Theon and collapsed on the couch, "I'm about to call security on you, they let Jon off for the night to go to the wedding but I know Sam Tarly despises you with a passion." Dany made a grab at the phone but Theon took hold of her ankle and pulled her backwards.

"DON'T BE SO BITCHY!"

"If you wake Rickon up, I'll call my brother, and he'll come up here and kill you."

"I'm not scared of him!" Theon sang, jumping up and skipping into Robb's room, "COME GET ME, LITTLE BABYSITTER! COME AND BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF ME, YOU KNOW YOU WANT TO!"

Dany ran after Theon, luckily she was pretty fast and tackled him to the carpeted floor of the hallway. "I'm gonna step on your face."

"You can sit on it."

"YOU! ARE! A! PIG!" Dany shrieked, slapping Theon in the face in between every word. "I hope you get your dick cut out, fucking idiot."

"You're kinda sexy when you threaten me... Does Drogo like his women mean?"

"I guess he does." Dany punched Theon in the stomach and shoved her knee into his crotch, "You are a dick dick dick dick dick dick dick!"

"You don't have to be so mean!" Theon pouted, "All I wanted to do was eat a sandwich and watch TV."

"Two things you can do in your own apartment."

"Maybe I'll go home when Yara calms down. But in the meantime-." Theon stood up, shoving Dany to the ground and sidling into the living room, "Hoarders is on."

"NO NO NO!" Dany screamed, jumping up and throwing her arms around Theon's neck,

"LET GO, YOU CRACKASS!"

"I WON'T! I WON'T I WON'T I WOOOON'T!" Dany looked into the living room and saw Rickon sitting on the couch, "Shit…"

"Stay away from my woman!" Rickon yelled, pointing a Cheeto-y finger at Theon, Dany let go,

"Rickon, sweetheart, it's bedtime. Get out of here, Theon…"

"I just need to watch Hoarders!"

"Ugh, fine, just sit there and be quiet."

**…**

**Catelyn**

The cab ride home was completely silent. Ned had told her he'd be back later with Robert, Arya was pouting and staring out the window, Jon and Robb were slightly drunk, Bran was asleep and Sansa was crying. Catelyn turned around in her seat,

"Arya, when we get home, I'm calling Aunt Lysa."

"No frickin' way, I am not goin' to Portland!"

"Just for a few weeks before school starts. When we get home, you are packing a bag- SANSA STOP CRYING! It's not that bad."

"YES IT IS!" Sansa sobbed, "Arya ruined everything! Lafonda's cousin was hitting on me and then Arya ruined everything! I hate her! She's a bigger asshole than Robb!"

"Hey!" Robb yelled, "How dare you compare me to Arya!"

Arya punched Robb in the leg with a chocolaty hand. Catelyn took out her phone, "I need to call Dany, kids, just don't yell."

…

**Daenerys**

The phone rang and Dany almost peed her pants. Theon was sitting on the couch watching Hoarders and crying, he'd made himself a grilled cheese and he kept whining 'Why do all my friends have girlfriends?!'. Dany answered the phone,

"Hello?"

"Hi sweetheart." Said Catelyn's voice on the other end, "We're on our way home, how's Rickon?"

"I just put him back to sleep, he woke up once but he's asleep now."

"Okay, good."

Catelyn hung up and Dany turned to Theon, "You need to get out of here."

"I don't think so. I'm out of ketchup and Susan's husband just told her that he'll think about moving back in if she admits to being a hoarder."

"You've seen that episode sixty times, you have it on your iPod."

"It's my favourite one, and ahhhh this part gets me every time…" Theon started to cry harder, "IT'S BEAUTIFUL! DON'T YOU AGREE?"

"No! It's not beautiful! Now get the fuck out of here."

Theon stood up. "Make me." Dany picked up a half of the sandwich and threw it out the door, Theon dove after it and she slammed the door before he could get back in. "DAENERYS TARGARYEN YOU OPEN THIS DOOR RIGHT NOW AND LET ME IN SO I CAN FINISH HOARDERS!"

Arya threw the door open. She was covered with chocolate. Sansa followed her,

"Hi Dany, you're so lucky Viserys isn't a twelve year old girl." She sobbed, running into her room, Robb and Jon followed and finally Catelyn came in carrying sleeping Bran.

"Hi, hon, thanks for helping tonight, your money is just on that table there." Catelyn dropped Bran on the couch, "If you don't mind, I have to make a phone call."


	6. Tack Attack

**House Targaryen **

**Dany**

"I hate that little rat!" Sansa screamed through a mouthful of Strawberries and Creme frap."It's like she exists to screw my life up, with her chocolate fountain and that stupid smirk she always has on her ugly little face-."

"At least she's not your legal guardian. Viserys is dating Doreah."

"Everyone already knows, Theon did some pretty disgusting fan-art of the two of them and send it to me over Facebook. It was cust as fuck."

Dany suddenly felt sick, her phone vibrated, "Oh, look at that, Theon just texted me," She started to do a bad impression of Theon, "Heyy Babysitter, your boyfriend and I are getting white-girl-wasted without you, har har har." Dany slammed her phone down on the Starbucks table, "Dick."

"I want to see Drogo wasted."

"It's not that different from when he's sober, to be honest. So wait, what did Arya do?"

"She farted on Joffrey's lap and jumped in the chocolate fountain at Jory's wedding."

"Weddings never end well."

"I'm just sick of her and her bullshit, she let a deer loose in the building!"

"I'm sick of Theon always following me around."

"If only there was some way we could dispose of them…"

The girls were silent for a few seconds, and then started to laugh,

"Ah, I hope you're kidding."

"Hehehe, I'm not, let's kill Arya!"

"You can't kill your sister, Sansa."

"Don't you want to get rid of Theon?"

"Well, yes, but… God, I hate Theon…"

"Exactly." Sansa's phone rang, "Hang on a second." She answered, "Hi… Drogo, what the f- Oh… Jesus… Well, what are you- DON'T YOU DARE TALK TO ME RIGHT NOW IF YOU ARE DRIVING… I DON'T CARE IF I'M NOT YOUR MOTHER- NO I'M NOT KIDDING, I NEVER KID ABOUT SAFETY! IF YOU DIE I WILL KILL YOU- OH MY GOD YOU'VE BEEN DRINKING- JUST GET THEON TO THE HOSPITAL!"

"What? Theon? Hospital?"

**Sansa**

Viserys pulled up outside the hospital,

"Thanks for driving us!" Dany screamed as she and Sansa ran through the sliding doors,

"Yeah yeah yeah, just tell Theon not to die so this wasn't all for nothing."

Sansa and Dany ran up to the front desk, a woman was sitting there on the phone,

"Oh, hold on, babe, there's some people here. Yes, what do you want?"

"Theon Greyjoy? What room is he in?"

"Oh, that one, he came in with the tall Asian."

"Armenian." Sansa corrected.

"Hm. Armenia is in Asia." The woman looked smug. Dany stared at her nametag, Helya the receptionist. She was a Grade A Bitch.

"Will you just tell us what room Theon's in?"

"Ugh, okay, 412. That's the twelfth room on the fourth fl-."

"Yeah, I can count." Sansa sassed.

Drogo, Robb, Jon and Talisa were the only other people in Theon's room,

"Where the fridge is his family?" Sansa screamed,

"Yara cut out of work early and Balon and Alannys are on their way." Said Robb,

"Goddammit." Said Dany, "Why didn't I just make him the damn pulled pork sandwich when I had the chance?" She started to cry and buried her face in Drogo's shoulder. An old man in a lab coat and a middle-aged woman with a hat on came into the room,

"Hi, kids, I'm Dr Luwin and this is Nurse Mordane, we've been assigned to Theon here, so, these X-rays show that luckily this is nothing we can't fix."

"Well, what's wrong?"

"It seems Theon here swallowed a tack. The tack was somehow safely lodged in his digestive system for a while until he consumed large amounts of alcohol which led him to throw up, disturbing the tack and causing damage to his esophagus. This young man is lucky to be alive. Who drove him here?" Drogo raised his hand, "You should be a doctor, son."

"No thanks. I have a short fuse."

"Ohh-kay. Okay, Theon has surgery tomorrow, we need to get that tack out and fix up that damn esophagus, he's a tough little bastard."

"Yeah, he eats raw pasta." Said Robb, "He's pretty hardcore."

Dr Luwin nodded and left the room, Nurse Mordane followed him muttering something about 'those damn teenagers'.

"DROGO YOU IDIOT WHY DID YOU LET HIM NEAR ALCOHOL?"

"HE DIDN'T EAT THE TACK AT MY APARTMENT, AND HE WAS PRETTY MUCH WASTED WHEN HE GOT THERE ANYWAY."

"HE'S ALWAYS LIKE THAT! You know he's drunk when he starts puking."

"…Sorry. I STILL DIDN'T KNOW HE ATE A TACK, WHO THE FUCK EATS A TACK?"

"THEON, OBVIOUSLY!"

Talisa tore open a bag of chips. "At least he's not gonna die, so Dany won't feel bad about being mean to him."

"I wasn't mean to him, I was just impatient."

"No, you were mean."

"Really mean."

"It was deeply upsetting." Said Jon.

"Where's Arya?" said Sansa,

"Oh, I guess Mom didn't tell you yet." Said Robb, "She's on the plane to Portland."

"Portland? Are you serious? I thought she wasn't going for another month!" Sansa screamed, "Shit."

"It's good for you." Said Jon, "She's out of your hair."

Sansa shrugged and went back to staring at Theon. "So what do we do?"

"I don't know, I don't watch Grey's Anatomy." Said Talisa,

"YOU DON'T WATCH GREY'S ANATOMY?!" Jon screamed, he pointed to the door, "Out with you."

Dany frowned, "I think I'm just gonna go get him a pulled pork sandwich."

"I don't think so!" Jon singsonged, "Theon has surgery tomorrow, you can't eat food before surgery, I learned that from Grey's Anatomy!"

Balon, Alannys and Yara burst through the door,

"AAHH MY BABY!" Alannys screamed, throwing herself across her son,

"Don't kill him, Alannys, all he did was eat a tack, let's not make it worse."

"Balon, he is your son."

"Yeah, all he did was eat a tack, I'll freak out when he's on Life Support. I'm gonna go get the kid a pulled pork sandwich, he's earned it." Balon left the room and Yara collapsed on the tile floor,

"Really, Theon? A fuckin' tack? Of all the random things you could eat? There are rocks all over the place, pencils, paper, come on, kid."

"Let's not encourage him." Said Dany, "I don't understand what would possess him to eat a tack in the first place but right now you sound like an enabler."

"Don't you pull that Dr. Phil talk with me!"

…

Sansa and Dany got back to the Targaryen apartment around seven,

"VISERYS-." Dany yelled, "IS IT OKAY IF SANSA SPENDS THE NIGHT?"

"YEAH." Yelled Viserys from across the apartment, "IS IT OKAY IF DOREAH SPENDS THE NIGHT?"

"AS LONG AS YOU USE PROTECTION."

"OH, DON'T WORRY, I'M ON BIRTH CONTROL!" Doreah's voice yelled back

Dany and Sansa went into Dany's room, Sansa logged onto Facebook,

"Oh look at that, a Pray For Theon Greyjoy page."

"Jesus Christ, he's already milking this tack thing like a ripe cow and he's not even conscious."

"Oh God, Joffrey set it up. He wasn't even at the hospital… He doesn't even really like Theon. He was number nine on the original Hate List."

"One like one prayer for this angel… Did Joffrey honestly just call Theon an angel? You know, I bet he ate the stupid tack just to be a dick to me because I didn't make him a fucking sandwich."

"He probably did, and Mom probably sent Arya away to show me how much I 'love' her."

Dany's phone rang, "Hey babe… He's in surgery now? The frick- Okay. No, you hang up first- Drogo? Goddamnit, he hung up."

"At least the bloody tack will be out soon."

"Yeah and he won't be able to lord this over us. That boy just doesn't understand that some things don't go in your mouth, tacks especially."

"That's like the first thing they teach you." Sansa whined, "Of course, I'm not allowed to complain about him at home, Robb gets so defensive, 'You don't know what Theon's been through', it's like my brother lives to protect him. Jesus."

"Drogo's the same way. 'He's weird because he wants attention and he didn't get any as a child'."

The girls were silent for a few seconds.

"That's actually really sad."

"Yeah. I almost feel bad for the asshole now."

"But why, at 17 years old, would he act weird to get attention? Arya's almost done with that and she's only twelve."

"He's an enigma wrapped in a mystery wrapped in a riddle."

"I guess we should do something though, just to show him we aren't complete assholes."

"Yeah, we should make him a card and bring him a bunch of pulled pork."

"Drogo said he'd provide ciabatta buns because those are the kind Theon likes- OH MY GOD HOW DO WE ALL KNOW THIS?"

"Because Theon never shuts up about pulled pork sandwiches. And damn, if you even consider putting cucumbers in one…"

"LORD HAVE MERCY ON YOUR SOUL!" The girls yelled together,

"Jesus…" said Dany. "I know more about Theon's sandwich preferences than I do about my own brother's relationship. I'm an awful sister."

"Sometimes I forget what grade Arya's in but I know that Theon doesn't like cucumbers…"

"What the fuck has he turned us into?" Dany whispered, slowly closing her laptop.

"Do y'all have any pickles?"

"I think so, why?"

"I'm gonna need some."

…

"Okay, I finished the card!" Dany announced, brandishing a folded piece of grey Bristol board. It read 'Get well soon Theon' and had some Sharpie illustrations of pulled pork sandwiches and beer cans, along with a caption that said, 'Sorry I was so evil, from Dany and Sansa'.

"Chill."

"Don't say that, you sound like Doreah."

"I heard my name!" said Doreah in the doorway of Dany's room, "I brought you ladies some of this weird shit, I don't know what exactly it is." She said, holding up a bowl of Jello.

"It's just Jello."

"Yeah, but idk what flavour."

"Classy. Acronyms in regular conversation."

"Don't sass me, D'naynay, as long as you're dating Drogo and I'm dating Viserys, I own your ass." Doreah sat down on the floor, "So, what's the hot gossip?"

"Theon is in the hospital because he swallowed a tack."

"Is that the kid who sat in the hall with a sign that said 'Will sell body for pulled pork sandwiches'?"

"I didn't know he did that but judging by the sign… yes."

"Why would he swallow a tack?"

"Why would he become a prostitute for pulled pork sandwiches, nobody understands the mystery that is Theon Greyjoy."

…

**Dany**

"Wake up!" Sansa screamed the next morning, "It's already 11:30, we have to go to the hospital!"

"If Viserys and Doreah aren't awake, I don't have to move."

"Don't you want to make it up to Theon for being evil."

Dany rolled her eyes and started to get dressed, "Remind me why we have to go right this second, Theon's still gonna be a smug asshole in the afternoon."

"Viserys and Doreah woke up for this, the least we can do is get up at a reasonable hour."

"I don't want to do nice things for them…" Dany whined, "Wait, is Viserys going to the hospital?"

"Yeah, he said he wanted to be a good person."

"He and Theon hate each other."

…

The only other people in Theon's room were Jon, Ygritte, Yara (who was sleeping on the floor) and of course Theon. He was awake.

"JESUS CHRIST." Dany yelled, jumping onto his bed and smacking him repeatedly, "YOU ASSHOLE, WHY IN THE HELL WOULD YOU EAT A TACK?"

"To teach you a lesson about respecting your elders." Said Theon, holding up a little Ziploc bag with a blood-covered tack inside, "Here's the bastard, look at all that blood in there, so metal."

"YOU RISKED YOUR LIFE JUST TO PROVE A POINT? WHAT, ARE YOU GONNA MOVE ON TO SEWING NEEDLES OR ARE YOU JUST THAT BIG OF A DICK?"

"Did you bring me any pulled pork?"

"Yes!" Doreah squealed, twirling around the room with three sandwiches, "All for you!" she tossed the sandwiches onto Theon's bed,

"This is so chill, I've already had six of these today but I never get tired of them! Hahahaha!" Theon inhaled the sandwich, Dany wasn't even sure she saw him chew, "Hit me again! See…" said Theon through a mouthful of pulled pork and ciabatta, "They let me keep the tack in this Ziploc bag, like when you're a kid and you lose a tooth so I can guilt all y'all whenever you're mean to me."

"Where's Drogo? I want him to hurt you right now."

"Oh, I let him go home, you know, since he and Robb and Talisa took the time out of their very active social lives to stay with my unconscious self during surgery. But, Robb's coming back later. That's what's called 'supportive'. While you and Sansa went home to watch Dance Moms."

"I will always put Dance Moms before you- Like, what were you hoping to gain out of this?"

"I was hoping to score some weed!" Theon sang, flashing the stitches down the middle of his chest, "Blaze it, YOLO."

"THAT WAS OREGANO YOU WERE SMOKING." Dany screamed, "OR-EG-A-NO, DO I HAVE TO SPELL IT OUT FOR YOU?!"

"Well, that there wasn't spelling that was just breaking down the syllables."

"VISERYS, PUNCH HIM IN THE FACE, PLEASE."

"No, he has a hard face, I speak from experience-." Viserys was cut off as Melisandre from the grocery store popped into the room, two men were following her,

"I heard the perp was in the hospital…"

"COME ON." Ygritte whined, "I thought we all agreed that Sansa was the perp…"

"Davos, get a picture of this for the store newsletter!" Melisandre squealed, throwing herself onto Theon's bed, "Beautiful, Theon Greyjoy, former perp- Stannis, write this down… Theon Greyjoy, former perp and button-presser, has been hospitalized in his long-running battle with juvenile osteoporosis, a tragic story-."

"Actually, he just ate a thumbtack." Sansa corrected

"No-one cares, gingy."

"Gingy?"

"Yeah, you have some serious red-ass hair. How many souls did you steal to get it that red?"

"SO DO YOU! YOUR HAIR IS REDDER THAN MINE, IT'S A GODDAMN APPLE!"

Melisandre flipped her hair and stood up, "I think that's all the photos we need for today. Stannis, give the kid a fruit basket."

"I don't have a fruit basket." Stannis confessed in a monotone voice, "We used up the last of the fruit baskets at the Sunday School."

"Sheest." said Melisandre, exiting the room, Stannis followed, as did Davos after he turned around and whispered,

"She's actually insane, you ate a tack, she ate a shower curtain ring once… and liked it…"


	7. Family Fun

**House Targaryen**

**Sansa**

The invitation came at 6 pm. Rickon dove at it like a bag of Cheetos and brought it back to the couch,

"Read it Robb! Read it read it read it!

Robb shoved Rickon aside, "Hello friends, please come to our Stark-Baratheon-Lannister-Targaryen party tomorrow evening at 4 in the Baratheon apartment. Come and celebrate all these years of Westeros Pines. Do not bring a plus-one as this party is exclusive to these four families. That means you, Viserys,don't think I don't see how you're always up on that Doreah-."

"Ew! Sinful!" yelled Rickon. Robb continued,

"Please don't bring food and RSVP Cersei if you are able to attend, you know my email address."

"Sounds pretty chill." said Bran, "Tommen probably knows where all the sugar is at."

"MOM!" Robb yelled, "I JUST GOT AN INVITATION-"

"DROP IT!" yelled Catelyn's voice from the other room, she ran into the living room, "Who's it from?"

"Cersei, read it."

Catelyn read the invitation, "Okay, I'll email her." The phone rang, "Shit- Hi, Lysa, oh... Hi Arya! How's Portland? Well, that's what you get for screwing around in a chocolate fountain. Okay, bye sweetheart." Catelyn hung up, "Arya is happy in Portland for the next week."

"That's good to hear." Said Jon,

"Yeah." Said Robb, "We punished her enough sending her away to Portland with Aunt Lysa. I think Sansa misses her."

"I don't." said Sansa, "She's annoying and it's nice to have a break from her."

"Don't be a mean spleen." Rickon scolded, "Arya is a bleen tween."

"Ohhh Ricky-baby." Catelyn gushed, "You don't make any sense ever."

"Wow, it's nice to know everyone values me so much around here." said Bran, cuffing Rickon in the face. "I feel so so so chill about myself now."

**Daenerys**

Viserys was sifting through the mail when she got into the apartment.

"Aw Christ." He whined, "Another Stark-Baratheon-Lannister-Targaryen party? The last one of those ended in disaster."

"Who died?" Dany inquired, Viserys jumped a foot off the couch and threw the mail in the air,

"HOLY FRIDGE, WHERE WERE YOU?"

"…the pet store." Dany lied.

"Don't lie to me, D'naynay."

"You're becoming Doreah."

"You were with that stranger."

"It wasn't just the two of us… Theon was there."

"Oh yeah, just the boy who I want to mediate my sister's relationship, the kid who thought it would be a good idea to SWALLOW A TACK."

"He's recovering from surgery at the Khatchadourian apartment because Yara needed to borrow his room because her water polo team is staying over, I don't know why."

"The Khatchadourians hate Theon, he groped Irri that one time, remember?"

"Oh, right. Never heard the end of that."

Viserys did an impression of Irri's voice, "THAT LITTLE BITCH NEEDS TO BE LOCKED UP SOMEWHERE, IT IS KNOWN."

"So what's this party anyway?"

"The last time one of these happened, some Stark nobody knows about lost a hand. It's a party for only Starks, Baratheons, Lannisters and Targaryens, because all those families have lived in Westeros Pines since like the 20s."

"So it's tomorrow?"

"Yeah, you need to dress nice, there might be some hot Lannister cousins there."

"I'm in a relationship, thank you very much."

"No Khatchadourians allowed at the party! Ha!"

"What do you want me to wear?"

"I don't know, it's your choice, you're not two anymore, but seriously, if you don't look completely adorable, I'll… scream."

…

**Sansa**

The Stark family arrived at the party early. Cersei opened the door in a red bra and yellow panties, she screamed and covered her eyes,

"GET OUT! GET OUT YOU SEEDS!" She shouted, not closing the door,

"We're not in." Jon sassed, "Just close the darn door."

"Aint!" yelled Cersei, "I ain't gonna shut this door, you get out, I'm naked! Alright fine, come on in, the only snacks we have out right now are nuts and a few cans of Mello Yello that Robert picked up on his little trip to Wisconsin last month, he was drinking his way through the state you know… insubordinate drunk." Cersei muttered under her breath, "Anyway, make yourselves at home, but don't sit on anything and don't touch anything, my father spent a lot of good dollars on all the Lannister heirlooms, such as this, uh, cup, and this bowl… oh and this gravy boat, and this beeee-you-tiffle vase, see, you can put a flower or two or six in there…"

"Psst!" said a voice from behind a table, "PISTY-PISTY-PSST!" Theon poked his head out, "Robb and Jon and Sansaaaa!" he whispered, "Come to the washroom, and be quiet about it."

Robb, Jon and Sansa followed Theon into the washroom,

"Why the fuck are you here?" Jon squealed, "No Greyjoys allowed!"

"Yeah, about that, see, there I was at Drogo's, right? And Dany came over, so Drogo was all like, 'Get out so I can make intercourse with this mean, evil woman who hates Theon'-."

"He didn't say that."

"Yeah, I made that part up, but he did kick me out, so I panicked because Yara's having a water polo party and I was still a titch delirious from all the painkillers I'm on so I ran up here! Yippee! Home Free? How 'bout Home Nope! I realized, shit, there's a party here! So I hid."

"How did anyone not notice you?"

"They weren't home. The door was wide open though and I was admiring that Lannister gravy boat."

"You need to get out before somebody sees you, Cersei takes this party way too seriously."

"Ooh, idea!" Theon shrieked, "I'll pretend to be your cousin Threon!"

"Oh, Christ."

"Yeah, see, these sunglasses…" Theon put on a pair of sunglasses, "will hide my identity. Call me Threon Stark."

"Oh yeah." said Robb, "Yeah, you should have a Southern accent."

"Yeah." Said Theon in a horrendously fake Southern accent, "They'll never guess." He made his way out into the party, "Howdy, Myrcella." He said as Myrcella passed by, leading Cheesy on a leash.

"That's a pretty chill Stark cousin you got there." She whispered, "I hope he's single."

Sansa, Jon and Robb went back out into the party, Dany came over, she was wearing a dress that looked like it belonged at a wedding reception or graduation or something.

"Aww, don't we look adorable." Jon remarked, "Too bad your brother is dressed like a depressed Urban Outfitters employee."

"Viserys wants me to attract a hot Lannister cousin, so he made me dress like this. Oh, and is Cersei going to put clothes on?"

"I think she might when Renly shows up. She hates him enough to put clothes on."

"Does she think she's doing anyone a favour by not wearing clothes? She's had three kids, it's not something anyone wants to see."

Viserys ran over, his face was purple, "Hey, kids, hi, I need help, how do you unsend an email from an iPhone? Like, I need an answer within two seconds."

"You can't." said Sansa, "It's impossible."

"Shit. Awww shit shit shit, see, I was emailing Doreah, and things got kind of spicy, and I accidentally sent a particularly spicy one to the wrong email address. Sexy-Babe-LanLan ."

"Who the fuck is Sexy-Babe-LanLan?" Robb started to laugh,

"Cersei LanLan, you imbicile. Doreah's email address is Sexy-Babe-Flaxseed. Well, I guess I'm screwed. I'm sorry, Dany, you're gonna have to move in with the Starks."

…

After a few hours, everyone had shown up at the party, Joffrey's uncle Tyrion had passed out under the kitchen table and Cersei had her kids all lined up at the door, greeting everyone. Joffrey came over to where Sansa, Dany, Robb, Jon and Theon were.

"Oh, joy, we've been visited by the leader of the Titsy Bitch Parade." Theon quipped in his fake Threon accent, he adjusted his sunglasses,

"I know it's you under those shades, Theon."

"I'm THREON STARK."

"You're not smart." Said Joffrey, his eyes glazing over with contempt, "I need to take a break from being a good little son." He sat down on Sansa's lap, "milady."

"You smell like… perfume… Are you wearing eyeliner?"

"Yeah, my mom said I had to look presentable and she had Myrcella dress me up."

"That would explain the bow in your hair." Dany sassed,

"LISTEN UP, YOU LITTLE… SPOONHEAD."

"Spoonhead?"

"Yeah, your hair's all silver, like a spoon."

"It's a genetic deformity. All Targaryens have it."

"All two. You and your brother are the only Targaryens left. The rest are dead!"

Dany squinted contemptuously at Joffrey and then ran away in tears.

"YOU DICK! YOU SET HER OFF!" Jon screamed,

"It's not my fault her whole family is dead!"

"Okay, let's not talk about this, it's mean to talk about around Dany and it makes me sad." Sansa whined. "So, Theon, how about your alter-ego."

"Drogo's hair is so pretty, if he was a girl I'd marry him for that hair."

"WHAT IS YOUR OBSESSION WITH THE KHATCHADOURIAN FAMILY? WHY?" Robb shouted,

"Chill it, bro, you're still my bro, but I follow the religion of Drogoism."

"I'm texting him right now and telling him you said that."

"I love the ladies but Drogo has female hair and he'd be smokin' if he had tits."

"I accept you, Theon, love is love but your obsession is getting creepy, I overheard Jhiqui and Irri discussing a restraining order because of how you're always at their apartment and how you groped Irri and threatened to come into Jhogo's room when he's sleeping and draw a tiny moustache somewhere on his body if he didn't stop blowing his nose." Jon complained. "Oh and you also pasted a picture of your face to the inside of their front door with the caption 'Theon sees you Armenians all day and night'."

"You shoulda seen that kid's face when I said the moustache thing, he was so scared."

"Exactly, he's ten, you can go to jail for that." Said Jon, "I'd be scared too."

"Okay, bros, Drogo feels bad for me, it's so perfect."

"Why is everyone supposed to feel bad for you?" Joffrey yelled, "How horrible is your life, son?!"

"…I'd rather not talk about it." Theon whispered, taking off his sunglasses and frowning,

"Okay, okay, let's not ask Threon anymore questions." said Robb, "God, just hitting all the sensitive topics tonight, aren't we? Put your sunglasses back on, Threon."

"I am Threon." Threon whispered in his Southern accent, slowly placing his sunglasses back on his face, "Pardner. I just gave myself a hernia."

Sansa tried not to laugh, she refused to let anyone know Theon was actually making her laugh. He wasn't even funny. He was a fricking idiot. Myrcella cartwheeled over the back of the couch.

"Hey, big kids."

"Myrcella, get out of here, you little shist." Joffrey barked, "You can't sit here."

"I don't mind." Said Sansa, "As long as my dad doesn't pass out under there with y'all's uncle."

"Tyrion's kind of a bitch." Myrcella giggled,

"Oh sheesh y'all, gotta hide, Jaime Lannister's givin' me a weird look." Said Theon, he hit the floor and laid there. Robb patted his head. "Let's play Spin the Bottle again, it was so chillful at Sansa's party."

"You hated that party, you were forced to kiss Arya."

"Other than that it was chill as fridge!" Theon squealed,

"Oh, yeah, your voice, don't let it get to that octave." Jon complained, plugging his ears, "You sounded like a mouse in a meat grinder, you sounded like Joffrey at the grocery store."

"Sorry pardner." Theon said in his Threon accent. Dany came back over, her mascara was running,

"Are we friends now-?" Joffrey began, Dany cut him off when she whipped him in the face with her shoe. "Guess not."

"You're a complete ass, Joffrey, the lowest of all the dicks in the world-…" Jon snapped, "I would lock you in a room with a bunch of wasps, you fucking-."

"Jesus, Jon, anger." Sansa whispered,

"I ship Daniella and Jonald." said 'Threon'. "They are both hating of Jeffrey. Sonja, Bob. Heehee, that's Sansa and Robb in Threon talk. I need to excuse my Southern Stark self." Theon stood up and skipped into the washroom.

"You were so out of line Joffrey…" Jon growled, "So out of line, you make me sick, how dare you talk about something so out of line, you make me want to puke."

"Calm down, Jon." said Dany, "Seriously, the last time this party happened, someone lost a hand, do you want it to happen again?"

Jon was silent.


	8. The Lost Tommen

**House Targaryen**

**Daenerys**

Dany tiptoed back to bed at about 3 am after losing track of time while watching Dance Moms reruns. Doreah was sleeping over again and her clothes were all over the living room floor. Dany was almost tired when she turned the light on and saw Theon sleeping in her bed.

Dany screamed louder than she thought was physically possible, Theon sat up,

"Sorry, darlin'." he said in his Threon accent, "Followed y'all back here after the party but I kinda zonked out."

"IN MY BED? IN A DRESS?"

"Yeah, I borrowed it from you without asking. It's pretty!" said Theon, fluffing his skirt, Dany jumped onto her bed and started punching him,

"FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUUUCK!" Viserys shrieked from down the hall, there were some loud footsteps and he and Doreah burst into the room, "Dany, don't do that, I thought you were getting stabbed to d- NO, NO, NOT HIM. I WOULD RATHER IT BE THE STRANGER."

"That's the kid that tried to gank my sandwich!" Doreah yelled, pointing at Theon.

"GO HOME." Viserys screamed, "GO BACK TO YOUR HOME."

"Come on..." Theon whined,

"WE DON'T EVEN HAVE A/C! WHY WOULD YOU WANT TO BE HERE?!"

"Your sis. I love her." said Theon, taking hold of Dany's hand, "I need your permission sir, I love D'naynay and I want to spend the rest of my life with her..."

Dany punched Theon in the nose. "I know for a fact that you're in love with Drogo, you should be at least bitchslapping me, NOT SLEEPING IN MY BED."

"I'm in love with all Khatchadourians." Theon violently kicked the sheets off, there was blood down the front of his borrowed dress.

"Please tell me you fell in a puddle of ketchup." Dany whispered dangerously,

"WELL EXCUSE ME FOR STILL RECOVERING FROM MY ACCIDENT."

"IT WAS NOT AN ACCIDENT!" Dany screamed, shoving Theon out of her bed,

"Kids..." Doreah slurred, sitting down on the floor, "I think we can settle this like grown-ups up in here."

"Yes, thank you." said Viserys. "Not only is she hot as frick, but she has good ideas about how to mediate relationships between little girls and creepy stalkers who-."

"Everyone kiss."

"Don't listen to her, she's clearly intoxicated."

Doreah rolled her eyes, "Fine, I'm just gonna leave since no-one appreciates me around here. Viserys, you better be careful with your hot ass around our bed, I don't want to start a fire."

"Yeah... our bed is kind of saturated with a mixture of tequila and other flammable beverages." Viserys smirked. "We da wild kids."

Theon stood up. "Guess I'm gonna go too. Dany, I'd appreciate if you didn't call the cops, I'm still kind of sad about the whole tack thing."

...

**Catelyn**

"Oh yes, I felt MUCH better when I took gluten out of my diet." said Cersei. Sansa stormed into the living room wearing booty shorts and a t-shirt with a box of Cheerios on the front that read 'donut seeds'

"MOM!"

"Oh, not again, what is it, Sansa?" Catelyn asked, shooting Cersei a 'my-kids-are-annoying' look,

"Bran is in the bathroom and he won't get out and Jon is in the other one and I REALLY NEED TO TAKE A DUMP- hiiiii, Cersei, how are you?"

Cersei smiled nervously, "If you bribe Bran with chocolate he'll get out of the washroom, honey."

"He already gets enough chocolate from Irri." Sansa whined, dragging her ass back out of the living room.

"Please excuse my angry adolescent daughter."

"Oh, I used to be just like that, I used to tie my brothers to the legs of our kitchen table and hit them with sticks. It was fun."

"But that was when you were little-"

"Oh no, I think I stopped when I was about 17. It took me a while to get big enough to get Jaime on the ground and unable to move anywhere. You should have seen Tyrion's face though, that was funny, I've been tying that little bitch up since I was six years old."

"Well, Sansa's never done that."

"That's good! I subdued my brothers with physical force and I'm totally normal!" Cersei yelled, taking a thermos out of her pocket and drinking from it,

"What's that?"

"Chocolate sauce mixed with vinegar. Clears my sinuses, I have a stressful job as a mom in these crazy times!" Cersei flipped her hair,

Catelyn decided not to say anything. "How would you deal with Sansa?"

"Don't ask me, Myrcella's only eleven..."

"Speaking of Myrcella, Arya gets back from Portland today, maybe Sansa just misses her sister?"

"I don't think that's it, they hate each other."

"I was thinking about that, maybe they just pretend to hate each other when really they value each other as sisters and friends, like Lysa and I."

Cersei's phone beeped, "Oh, will you look at that, Joffrey just texted me, what a sweet boy... Oh, nuts, I gotta go."

"Why, what did he do?"

"OH, it's Tommen, apparently he's run away from home. The last time he tried to do that he came back five minutes later for a peanut butter sandwich." Cersei headed for the door, "MEET ME IN THE LOBBY LATER, AND BRING COFFEE, I need to track down Adelina Khatchadourian and see if she has any carrots left..."

...

**Daenerys**

Sansa busted through the door.

"I NEED HELP I NEED HELP PLEASE HIDE ME HERE FOR A FEW WEEKS."

"Jesus, what happened?"

"Arya's coming back from Portland tonight and Joffrey keeps following me around asking where Tommen is."

"Oh, yeah, Tommen ran away."

"How did you know?"

"Joffrey was putting up Lost Cat posters in the hallway. Oh, yeah, Theon was in my bed this morning."

"That's disgusting."

"He was wearing one of my dresses and there was blood all over it from his stupid stitches, he should get those looked at."

"At least we know Tommen won't actually go outside. He's terrified of cars."

"That's adorable. How in the hell does he travel."

"He'll do it if you give him some kind of sugary snack, I would know, I've travelled with them before."

"Why would he even run away in the first place?"

"Well, Joffrey's always really mean to him. And Cersei probably tried to give him beets or something. He hates beets with a fiery passion. Where are Viserys and Doreah?"

"Viserys has a job interview for once in his life and Doreah is packing."

"Packing for what?"

Dany looked pissed, "She's moving in."

"That's creepy."

"I told Drogo to try and get his sisters to talk her out of it but Jhiqui heard about it before and was really excited and starting buying a bunch of stuff for the wedding that she thinks is happening, Viserys can't get married, he doesn't have a job and the last girlfriend he had said he was 'the most depressing lover she'd ever had'. Apparently he said she needed dental work and coughed too much."

"Well, obviously Doreah has a different opinion, why did he cough too much?"

"He told me after they broke up that he wanted her to think that he was dying so we could borrow money. BUT DOREAH BUYS ALL OUR FOOD SO I GUESS THAT'S NOT A PROBLEM." Dany yelled, "I caught them hugging yesterday, Viserys doesn't do that unless he's serious about something or really high."

"Maybe he was high?"

"Not with Renly selling everyone oregano. And the worst part is, yesterday at dinner, Viserys got this creepy look on his face and took our hands and said 'Soon we're gonna be a real family' and Doreah started asking me what baby names I liked because she's been trying to bond with me."

"At least there are gonna be some more Targaryens!"

"Oh yes, more crazy running around Westeros Pines."

"I honestly like Doreah, she's not that bad once you get past all the perfume and the weird shoes and saying chill all the time, and dope, she's actually kind of a sweet person, and I think that whole ditzy thing is just an act."

"Oh yeah, I know it's an act. Once she gets on one of her political rants there's no going back."

At that convenient moment, Doreah burst through the door carrying a bunch of bags.

"HEY LADIES!"

"Hi..." Dany whined.

"I'm gonna go put these in the bedroom but I have to tell y'all something after!" Doreah ran down the hall, there was a loud clunk and she ran back into the living room and sat on the carpet, "So, what are we talking about?"

"...Tommen Baratheon ran away."

"Awww, I love that kid! So guess what, I'M MOVING IN!"

"We know." said Dany, rolling her eyes.

"Oh, by the way, Irri's coming by with a bunch of bridal magazines today, don't jump to conclusions, ladies, I'm just... I'm considering becoming a wedding planner." said Doreah, unnaturally calmly, "I'm gonna go call my parents."

...

Sansa and Dany went back to the Stark apartment, Cersei, Myrcella, Robert and Joffrey were sitting on the couch laying out Lost Tommen posters with a picture of Tommen in the middle holding an ice cream cone.

"He looks so happy here..." Cersei whispered, "So peaceful..."

"Darn it, y'all." said Robert, "The kid's afraid of cars, he's probably just hiding in someone's apartment."

"I never got to say goodbye..." Myrcella whispered.

"Well if it ain't Tweedledumb and Tweedle-Ginger." Joffrey sassed.

"Thank you." Dany sassed back, "Dick."

"What are you ladies doing?" said Cersei,

"We were just about to go look for Tommen." Sansa lied, elbowing Dany in the gut and whispering 'play along!'. The door opened, and Margaery shambled through the door with Tommen clinging to her leg.

"Did anyone lose this?"

"MY TOMBLIBOO!" Cersei shrieked, "Where did you find him?"

"Well, he headed straight for Irri and her carrots, then Loras rescued her and dumped the kid on me."

"YOU'LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE!" Tommen sobbed, "YOU CAN'T MAKE ME EAT THOSE EVIL-BEVIL BEETS!" Margaery picked Tommen up and he started to thrash, Cersei pinched his ear and he stopped,

"Oh, there he goes, thank you for finding him, you're a saviour sent from the Lord."

...

**Sansa**

The girls went back to Dany's apartment after Tommen had been found, Sansa decided her apartment was uninhabitable with all the Baratheons in there.

"Hey, Viserys, I'm home-YOOOOO..." Dany yelled, the entire living room was full of Armenians, Jhiqui Khatchadourian was in the middle of it all in what looked to be a bridesmaid dress.

"Dany, we need to talk about something, Sansa, you can stay, that'd be chill." An Armernian girl who looked about nine came over and grabbed Dany's hand,

"WE'RE GONNA BE COUSINS!"

"No, we're not, stop kissing me, WHY ARE ALL THESE PEOPLE OVER?" Dany screamed.

Viserys and Doreah stood up, "Dany..." said Doreah. "I hope it's okay to call you that, your brother and I are engaged!"


	9. Toe Ovens

**House Targaryen**

**Daenerys**

"YOU THINK YOU CAN JUST GET MARRIED WITHOUT ASKING ME FIRST?"

"Excuse me, Daenerys Emilia Targaryen, don't even go there, you're not my mother."

"EXACTLY! OUR MOTHER IS DEAD! YOU ASK ME FOR PERMISSION!"

"You're 14, I don't need your opinion."

"...I'll be 15 in a week, Jesus."

Viserys and Doreah didn't say anything, Sansa sat on the carpet eating a whole cucumber.

"Dany, your brother and I are both responsible adults-."

"HA." Dany yelled, "HAR HAR HAR VISERYS IS RESPONSIBLE."

"He raised you on his own since you were ten years old."

Dany didn't say anything, Sansa finished the cucumber and started towards the door,

"STOP RIGHT THERE." Viserys yelled, "We need a witness."

"NO..." Sansa whined, sitting back down on the carpet. "This is family stuff..."

"Dany, I know we've had our differences, but now that we're sisters, I want you to be my maid of hotness."

"You mean honour?"

"No. I changed it!" Doreah giggled. "Because we're hot babes."

"Don't ever say that again." everyone in the room said at the same time. Doreah narrowed her eyes.

"You're gonna love my sisters!" Doreah squealed, "Eroeh's the one you met earlier, she's the flower girl."

"She's like ten."

"...It was either her or Rickon Stark."

...

**Sansa**

Sansa threw the door open. Catelyn shushed her and pointed to Rickon, who was sleeping on the couch under a Cheeto blanket, ShaggyDog was slowly nibbling away at it.

"VISERYS AND DOREAH ARE GETTING MARRIED!" Sansa shrieked,

"I'm very happy for them, but you need to be quiet, I just got him down!"

"It's 5 pm. WAKE UP RICKON." Rickon sneezed and sat up, Cheetos fell on the carpet like rain and Summer, Ghost, Lady and ShaggyDog swooped in for a snack.

"Aw, Sansa, just lemme finish this dream." he whined, "I gotta bag of Cheetos on one arm and Myrcella on the other."

"I'M SO HAPPY FOR THEM!" Sansa shrieked, twirling around the living room and sitting on Rickon. "The wedding's in the fall! I'm happy for Dany too, she finally has a real sister!"

"That's nice but your brother looks upset."

Arya clunked out of her room in a fencing uniform. She flipped the mask down and started to do a weird dance.

"You look like a white wasp." Sansa whined, "Don't sting me or anything."

"Dad got me fencing lessons! I'm gonna stab you so hard. Up the butt, up the nose, up the... toe, all day. Bringin' the pain, your ankle I will sprain-."

"Not everything you say has to rhyme."

Arya put up her deuces, "Better sleep under your bed tonight. I got a needle."

"You know, the points on those things are insanely dull, so you don't murder anyone."

"Then how did I cut my finger?" said Arya, holding out her left ring finger, there was a paper cut on it.

"Stop trying to scare me, Arya."

Arya flopped down on the couch, defeated. "So what's these lies about Viserys and Door-knob?"

"Doreah." Sansa corrected.

"Door-knob, 'cause she's dumb like a door-knob."

"She's actually not, she went to law school and she put herself through by stripping in high school, it's a sad story but it all ends well, her mom kicked her out but then let her back in when she realized she just needed to understand the struggles of being kicked out and selling your body-."

"Ooh, Door-knob's a lawyer, big whoop."

"Yeah, it's a giant whoop. Neither of our parents are lawyers."

"Hey!" Catelyn snapped, "Your father and I work hard for our money."

"I'm not disputing that, I'm just saying Doreah has earned my respect by overcoming adversity and getting married to Viserys who by the way doesn't even make any money because he can't find work because his dad was a little nutty and word got around to literally everyone in the city."

The doorbell rang, "Oh!" said Catelyn, "Guess who's staying in Toronto until school starts again?"

"I BET IT'S GENDRY!" Arya yelled,

"Gendry lives in Toronto, you ass." Sansa whined.

"It's..." Catelyn opened the door, "AUNT LYSA!"

Lysa Arryn was standing on the apartment stoop in all her Juicy sweatsuit glory. Her son Robert was standing behind her mowing through a bag of jalapeno Cheetos. The dogs rushed at the door,

"JESUS, CATELYN!" Lysa shrieked, "KEEP THESE BEASTS UNDER CONTROL AND AWAY FROM MY ROBBY-BOBBY."

"Where's Uncle Jon, Aunt Lysa?" Arya interrogated, sticking her hand into Robert's Cheeto bag and passing some to Rickon.

"Your uncle is being a serious dillweed and decided not to come. Dillweed, did I say that right?" Arya nodded and Lysa came into the apartment, dropping her bags where the dogs could get them, Sansa stood up.

"I'm going to Dany's."

"No no no, Sansa Sophie Stark." Catelyn ordered, "Not with a wedding being planned."

"She just texted me and said everyone left!" Sansa lied, holding up her phone. "See you later, Aunt Lysa."

"Okay! See you on the flip side! Ugh, I'm done trying to speak teen..."

...

Dany looked absolutely terrified when she answered the door, Talisa, Margaery and Ygritte were already there. Doreah was sitting on the carpet and grinning.

"Doreah's family just left but look at what her sister drew." Dany held up a messy drawing of a wedding dress.

"I got these bitches to come over and whip up a dress like little fairy godbabies." Doreah said, "Heheh, whip... Yeah, this is an emergency."

"You have a few months to buy a dress." said Margaery,

"NOT WITH THIS DILLWEED RUNNING THE SHOW!" Doreah shrieked, pointing at Viserys, who was standing in the kitchen and trying to make a sneaky exit with a bag of Coffee Crisps. He sprinted back into the bedroom and Doreah ran after him, tearing off her shirt and skirt.

"Guess we should be going." said Ygritte. "Jon's coming over later." she smirked. Margaery followed her out.

"They're gonna be in there for a while."

"Y'all could have dinner at my apartment, my aunt and cousin are over and so is Theon but my mom made a lot of pulled pork so I guess it'll be fine." said Sansa.

* * *

"So, Daniella-."

"Daenerys."

"Diana..."

"Daenerys."

"I'm sorry, dear, did you say something?"

Dinner had been going uncomfortably slowly for the past hour. Robert dumped a quarter-cup of salt onto his sandwich and bit into it with a crunch. Bran looked at his cousin skeptically.

"Dany's brother is getting married, Aunt Lysa." said Robb, discreetly reaching across the table for the bottle of wine only to have Lysa slap his hand away.

"Oh, that nice young man who tried to grope me last year?" Dany nodded, "Good to see him finally settling down, ahh, to be young and stupid, remember Cat, that one time when you and Ned had just started dating and we all got naked in the hot tub and-." Catelyn cleared her throat loudly, Lysa got the hint. "But, really, Danica, I would suggest having him get some help."

"Mommy, I want to make Rickon fly, he keeps kicking me under the table." said Robert, licking salt off his hands.

"I'm not kickin'!" Rickon sobbed, "I'm tryin' to get ShaggyDog to stop beggin' for potaters!"

"Arya just started fencing." said Ned, trying to salvage the conversation. "We're very proud."

"Honestly, couldn't she be interested in a pretty sport, like volleyball or ballet?" said Lysa, "I'm sure you know what I'm talking about, Theodore."

"Theon."

"Whatever, I can tell you're a dancer, you're so beautifully poised."

"Yeah, I dance a lot. Wanna see?"

"Oh, no..." said Dany.

"Oh, well, of course, I was in a production of Swan Lake as a girl, you know before I-..." Lysa's voice trailed off as Theon stood up and began to twerk. Talisa stared at him, frozen, her hand about to pour vinegar on her potatoes,

"HEY, DANY, GET UP AND DO THIS ONE WITH ME, WHAT DROGO DOESN'T KNOW WON'T HURT HIM." Theon did a handstand against the door with his back facing the room and kept twerking.

"Oh, is that your boyfriend?" said Lysa, grinning, never taking her eyes off of Theon's ass. Dany nodded, mentally preparing herself for the shitstorm of interrogation. "The trick with men is to act innocent and sweet and then when they least expect it, BAM!" Lysa slammed her palm on the table, shaking everyone's glasses, "Bring out the lioness that's been hiding in your kitty-cat self!"

"Cersei Lannister always tells us to do that!" said Arya, "Even me, even though boys are ick."

"So, Lysa, how about this new business venture?" Catelyn asked into her palms, "Tell the girls."

"Oh yes, I have this new idea..." Lysa whipped out her phone and showed Dany, Sansa and Talisa a picture of her with a duckface and what looked like two little microwaves on her feet. "Toe ovens."

"Toe ovens?"

"Keep your toes warm."

"Why not just wear socks?"

"YOU KIDS! WITH YOUR MY-FACE AND SPACEBOOK AND YOOHOO! ALL THESE TECHNOLOGICAL ADVANCES AND YET YOUR STILL RUBBING TWO STICKS TOGETHER TO WARM YOUR MOST IMPORTANT ORGAN!"

"Well, we just wear socks." said Talisa,

Lysa waved her hands in front of her face, "Just dream, kids, dream with all your pretty little hearts! You think Drew will still want you if you don't have a sense of wonder, Delilah?" Lysa touched Dany's hair. "...Toe ovens. You can sell that to your brother, coke-heads love things that generate heat, I speak from experience."

"My brother doesn't do coke."

"Spare me, Denise, he's so full of coke, Pepsi is suing." Lysa glanced at her phone, "Oh, will youse look at that, Robby-Bobby and Ricky-Bicky better be going to bed!" Lysa stood up and dragged the boys to bed.

"That woman is insane." said Talisa, there was a thump across the room, Theon stood up and flattened his hair,

"Remind me never to twerk again."

"I've reminded you multiple times." Sansa snapped.

"Daddy, can I have an iPad?" said Arya. Ned rolled his eyes and left the room, Catelyn followed.


	10. Shopping with Lysa

**House Targaryen**

**Sansa**

Sansa woke up to see Arya laying on the floor covered in kitchen utensils, she was crying.

"I'm not gonna ask." said Sansa, getting dressed and brushing her hair, Arya stood up, spatulas and ladles spilled all over the place,

"Gendry broke up with me."

"You weren't dating."

"He did it in my fantasy about us." Arya sobbed,

"Since when do you give a shit about guys, especially older guys, you know Gendry is older than me, right?"

"By four months! It don't matter!"

"If it's your fantasy, he doesn't have to break up with you, you know that right?"

Arya laid back down and covered herself again, "I love you, Gendry." she whispered.

"You're so weird."

"I don't wanna go to Door-Knob and Vomit's wedding in the fall."

"Creative nicknames."

"I know, I just came up with them." Arya groped for Sansa's phone.

"Get away from that."

"I need to text D'naynay and tell her to look under her bed."

"No-one likes when you do that. Theon had a panic attack the last time you did that and was found a week later hiding out in the Khatchadourian apartment."

"He loves those Albanians, little lambseed."

"Armenians. Don't do it."

"I'm going to ring him!" said Arya in a fake British accent, "Gonna ring the Threon, guvnah! Banonner phoone. Give me a spot of tea whilst I ring Master Gree-joy."

Sansa kicked her sister, "Hurry up and get dressed, you crackass. We're going shopping with Aunt Lysa today."

"I don't wanna." Arya complained, starting to get dressed, "Door-nib. Vomit. I need one for Dany... How about Donut?"

"Fine. You know what, I'm not going to waste my brain power on your sorry ass."

**Daenerys**

"Danyyyy, I'm bored."

"I can't help you, I have to babysit kids tonight. Tommen and Myrcella."

"Why? Why kids?"

"Because Cersei and Robert and going to some wine tasting and Joffrey talked them into taking him so he can take selfies next to the wine. You can come with me, I go over at six."

"Fine, but only if you come to the mall with Arya and my Aunt and I. It's the only way I'll survive."

"Alright, I'll be right over, should I bring money?"

"Don't. Aunt Lysa told me to bring a friend. You have a Tiffany bracelet in your future, Targaryen." Sansa hung up. Dany whined and slid her phone along the kitchen counter, it teetered for a second and fell into a pair of Doreah's panties that had conveniently been hanging from a nail, the phone fell into them like a baby in a hammock. Viserys pranced into the kitchen in a skirt.

"Hey babe."

"Go back and change, bitch, someone might walk in and arrest you."

"Who would arrest me? Jon? Sam? I'm waiting, kid." Doreah came into the living room in tap shoes and what looked like a prom dress.

"What's good, sis?"

"Nothing, the two of you aren't."

"Get your telephone out of my panties, sis."

Dany picked up her phone and headed for the door, "Kay, I'm going to Sansa's, her aunt is taking us all shopping so I won't be back until like four."

"Okay, but be sure to knock before you just let yourself in, there are some things that aren't meant for young eyes."

...

"Okay, girlies, I want you all to pick out a pair of pretty shoes." said Lysa, stuffing her phone down the bust of her velour sweater, "Dany and Sansa, can you help Arya, she doesn't have a clue."

"Hey!" Arya yelled, "I have a clue. I have multiple clues but I'm sweating something fierce."

"Yes, and while we're here, Sansa, remind me to get the kid some antiperspirant."

Arya did a cartwheel into a nearby Aldo, "Hey y'all, look at this, all the shoes are weird, let's leave."

"I think these are nice." said Sansa, Dany nodded in agreement and Arya pretended to puke, drawing the attention of a nearby salesgirl.

"Do you need any help?"

"Yeah!" said Arya, "Where would I be able to buy a barf bag?"

The salesgirl narrowed her eyes, "We only sell shoes and accessories. You could try a plane or something."

"I was just keedin'." said Arya, turning around slowly and patting a shoe like she would a cat. Dany glanced down at her phone, Viserys had texted four times and each text was a different Lana Del Rey lyric, Sansa looked over her shoulder at her phone,

"Aw, look at that, Viserys is high! I can't believe Renly's oregano is so effective."

"Say no to drugs, darlings. You'll start texting people."

Arya hit the carpet, "Oh, it's unbelievable. I'm soooo high!" A few people gave Lysa weird looks. Dany wrenched Arya to her feet.

"Maybe we should just go get lunch?"

...

"I bet I can fit this whole thing of fries into my mouth." said Arya, stuffing fries into her mouth and laughing, Sansa pinched her arm and Arya spat a few fry pieces.

"Oh snort." said Lysa, "I'm not here."

"What, why?"

"Petyr Baelish is here. Over there, see the guy in the red shirt? The sexy one?"

"Ew. He has a pedo-stache!" Arya half-screamed, a bunch of people glanced over, Pedo-Stache started across the food court, he stood over Lysa,

"It can't be little Licey Lysa Tully! Damn, you had lice a lot as a kid..."

"Petyr!" Lysa squealed, "I haven't seen you since high school!"

"Is this little baby Sansa I see?"

"Yes..." Sansa whispered,

"You look just like your mother, your mother and I go way back, one time in high school, your mother, you know, she was quite the contortionist and her leg went-"

"I DON'T WANNA KNOW!" Sansa yelled,

"Sassy like Catelyn too. This must be Arya."

"Yeah! I have very sharp teeth."

"And who's this little snowy-haired beauty?"

"Daenerys."

"Targaryen? I knew your father. He was a crazy one, that Aerys, we used to get so smashed in high school, even experimented a little with our sexuality even though I always knew he was gayer than oatmeal, where is he now?"

"He was stabbed to death before I was born."

"...Okay. What about that brother of yours? Rhaegar? The kid who asked too many questions and ate too many Oreos."

"He was shot before I was born." Dany snapped. "My other brother is engaged."

"Ohhh, right, Viserys, the kid who got into my special Petyr juice. That's code for vodka and Red Bull with a hint of Mello Yello, children. He was never the same."

"Yeah. I noticed."

"Who's the lucky lady?"

"Doreah Kashishian."

"Ooh, snap, an anime character."

"She's Armenian."

"Same fricking difference." Petyr pulled up a chair, Lysa giggled and adjusted her tits.

...

Sansa and Dany arrived at the Baratheon apartment ten minutes late, Cersei answered the door wearing nothing but a thong and a bandeau.

"Heyyyy ladies!"

"Hi, Cersei." said Dany, trying to avoid eye contact with the aggressive display of Cersei's boobs. Sansa smirked awkwardly.

"Kay, so Tommen is dressing up his kitties right now, and Myrcella is giving Cheesy a bath. JOFFREY, GET YOUR BAGEL BUNS OUT HERE, WE'RE LEAVING IN TWO DING-DAMN MINUTES!"

Joffrey clacked out of his room.

"Mom, you gotta put clothes on."

"Clothes are for kitties. ROBERT, BRING ME THAT DRESS THAT I WORE THAT ONE TIME WHEN RENLY DID THAT THING."

"AS YOU WISH, YOU CONTROLLING NUT." Robert yelled back from another room, he came out of the room in a shirt that looked formal enough from the front but at the back transformed into a weird Baratheon varsity jacket. He tossed a red dress at Cersei, she caught it with her face.

"Sansa, looking very beautiful today, Dany, looking very angry as usual."

There was a squealing noise a few rooms over and Tommen ran into the room, he was holding a little kitten in a pink frock.

"Mommy mommy mommy mommy, Strawberry gouged me!" Tommen yelled, holding out his finger, "Kiss it fastly, it burns."

Cersei smooched Tommen's finger. "Sansa and Dany are babysitting tonight."

"You said I was a little man!"

"Fine, little-man-sitting. We have to get to this wine-tasting, Robby, go start the car or I'll scream."

...

Sansa and Dany had forced the kids to watch TV when the phone rang, Tommen was asleep, Dany answered and put it on speaker,

"Heyyy ladies." said Viserys on the other end.

"Hang up this phone."

"I don't want you dating Drogo anymore. He creeps me out."

"I know, you're jealous because he's more of a badass than you."

"No-bitch is more of a badass than me."

"Your idea of a wild night is watching Real Housewives with Doreah and eating your way through 17 bags of Skittles."

"...We da wild kids. Wait, aren't you babysitting? Put my gurl Myrcella on the phone."

"Heyyy, babe!" Myrcella yelled, skipping over to the phone, "You better get your ass over here, Tommen just fell asleep and Sansa and Dany are letting me watch Real Housewives."

"Sorry, I'm drunk."

"Hashtag-that's chill but I'm a child so you have to keep it clean, put Doreah on the phone."

"Hello children." said Doreah, "Doreah's the name and Skittles is the snacks I like, so get in line because I'm going big tonight and eating the sugar at the bottom of the bag."

"THAT'S NOT HOW IT GOES."

"Do you want me to hang up now?"

"Yes, please."

"Okay, fine... SKITTLES." Doreah screamed, hanging up. Tommen jerked awake,

"Give me some more chicken nuggets."

"You ate all the chicken nuggets, you didn't even leave any for the rest of us, remember we had to run out and go get pizza but you ate all that too?" said Sansa,

"I was dreamin' about chick nougs!" a yellow cat ran out of Tommen's room and jumped onto the couch, it was wearing a teeny tux and an Easter bonnet, "This is Chiclet. Like the gum, he's a sassy, silly cat with a fun personality who loves to laugh and have fun."

"You sound like a dating site. How do cats laugh?"

"Let's turn this off and watch something chill." said Myrcella, "How 'bout Dr Phil? I always know what they're gonna say because we have this one saved on our DVR where there's this guy and-"

"You're too young to watch Dr Phil."

"My uncle Jaime was on Dr Phil once. The episode didn't air because a guy died while they were filming it and everyone started going kitty-shit crazy."

"Language, please." Dany scolded.

"I oughta scream right now. But I shant." said Tommen, holding out his hand, it was squirting blood from a cat scratch. "Sansa, I need you to kiss my wounds." Sansa kissed Tommen's hand, "Uh, you're gonna have to put your back into it, ma'am."

"No, Tommen, it's bedtime for you, Dany, I'm gonna take him to bed."

Dany sat next to Myrcella on the couch.

"So." said Myrcella, "Can you get me some weed?"

"You're eleven."

"Theon smokes weed."

"No, he smokes oregano."

"Renly sells weed."

"No, he sells oregano."


End file.
